Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5,
Part 6A, Part 6B, Part 7A, Part 7B
The Seven Deadly Sins, Hieronymus Bosch, 1475–1480
Killer of Love
One specialist on marriage and family issues once called anger a killer of love. He said this in relation to family life, but this expression can be applied to human relationships in general. Irritability and anger not only cause conflicts, but also kill the feelings of love, friendship, sympathy, and respect that we have for people. In the moment of anger, our attitude to someone changes; their traits, peculiarities, and cute little habits that may have previously aroused our admiration, now appear in a distorted, misshapen, caricatured form. As they say, it’s only one step from love to hate.
If a man were to see himself in a mirror in a fit of anger, of rage, he’d be horrified and wouldn’t recognize himself with such a different appearance. But anger darkens not only and not so much the face as the soul. The angry man becomes possessed by the demon of anger. The majority of murders aren’t about robbery or getting rid of witnesses or competitors, but occur simply in the heat of an argument or fight. Of course, as a rule, it often involves alcohol. So friends, acquaintances and sometimes even the closest of people, who were just drinking together, now grab knives and heavy objects in a fit of drunken rage, and irreparable things happen. In the sparse police reports, this is called “domestic homicide.” And such murders, I repeat, constitute the overwhelming majority.
Murder, of course, is an extreme expression of anger. But even if the matter doesn’t come to physical violence, any manifestation of anger kills our soul from the inside and destroys our relationships with others. How many marriages have broken up because of constant fights and arguments between the spouses, how many relatives and former friends haven’t spoken for years because they had a fight one time about some trifling matter!
Causes of Anger
Let’s examine the main causes of irritability and anger.
St. Theophan the Recluse writes: “Anger and resentment come from self-esteem [that is, self-love—Fr. Pavel], according to which we recognize and consider ourselves to be worth a lot; therefore, when someone dares to not give us our due, we boil over and plot revenge.” Self-importance, self-love, inflated self-esteem—these are common causes of resentfulness and anger. It’s easy to be calm and indulgent when everyone is praising you, but the slightest bit of criticism shows who we really are. Of course, hotheadedness, irascibility may be a consequence of an overly temperamental character, but character is no justification for anger. An irritable, hot-headed man should know this trait of his and fight against it and learn to restrain himself. All the greater will be his crown for his labor. It’s easier for a calm, phlegmatic man to battle with irritation and anger. There are people who have an overbearing, domineering character, who want everything to be the way they want it, and they can’t tolerate any objections. It’s also very difficult for such people to overcome flares of irritability and restrain impulses of anger. St. Theophan advises such people: “I see that the reason ... is that you don’t want to sacrifice anything from your established routine... This is your ailment. Drive it away, this worthless thing, and you’ll be more at peace. Show self-denial here, because this situation reveals your complete selfishness in its fullest form.”
The Holy Fathers mention another cause of anger—envy. This sin is very often associated with avarice—it’s no coincidence that this passion comes before the passion of anger. Usually we envy those who are richer, luckier, and who are given more. Even very rich people have constant competition, rivalries about who has more zeroes in his bank account. Envy leads to hatred and even pushes towards murder. “Whoever is wounded by envy and rivalry,” says St. Ephraim the Syrian, “is pitiful, because he’s an accomplice of the devil, by whose envy came death into the world (Wis. 2:24). His heart is always exhausted from sadness, his body is consumed by pallor, and his strength is exhausted. Envy and rivalry are a terrible poison, giving rise to slander, hatred, and murder.”
Types of Anger
Anger can have different manifestations, such as irritability, a short temper, passionate arguments, vindictiveness, hatred, thirst for revenge, and unforgiveness of offenses. A love of verbal disputes and arguments can also be a source of anger, leading to conflicts and fights. The danger is great, because an argument is most often not a clarification of the truth, but a kind of verbal bout, a duel that comes from a desire to indulge your vanity and assert yourself. A dispute almost always includes the loser bearing resentment. In the heat of an argument, it’s very easy to cross the line and get annoyed and angry. When reasoned arguments run out, shouting and even mutual insults often come into play. Therefore, we should do everything we can to avoid disputes.
We’ll talk about irritability and hotheadedness a little bit later, but for now I’d like to focus a little on holding grudges and taking offense. Generally speaking, resentment is a terrible feeling. It eats aways at the soul of the resentful man like acid and destroys it from the inside out. Anger and resentment are double-edged swords, aimed primarily not at the one who offended us but at ourselves. This is why in Russian “to be offended” is a reflexive verb—that is, we wrong not someone else, but ourselves. The people we hate and who have offended us may have no idea at all that we’re angry at them, with no clue how we suffer and worry. They sleep peacefully, not thinking about anything, while the offended ones hatch plans for revenge; they don’t sleep at night, they fall into despondency and misery, they lose their appetite and peace, thinking only about their resentment. A resentful man punishes himself terribly, sometimes leading to complete exhaustion. Anger is a very stressful state. Therefore, the ability to forgive enemies and those who offend is of great benefit not only for our spiritual, but also our mental and physical health.
How can we learn to forgive? The first thing is to understand that we ourselves need it first of all. We’ll benefit greatly if we learn not to take offense at people. Second is to realize that the man who offended us didn’t know what he was doing. After all, even the most hardened villain has his own justifying version of events. When they crucified our Lord Jesus Christ, the Jews really thought they were doing a God-pleasing deed—they didn’t know Him as the Son of God. It’s another matter that their souls and minds were blinded by sin and the passions of anger and envy, but they didn’t know what they were doing. Thus, Christ prayed from the Cross: Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do (Lk. 23:34). And this “they know not” applies to all criminals and offenders too. For had they known that they were committing a sin, a crime, for which they’d certainly have to answer before God, they wouldn’t have done it. They either don’t understand what sin is at all or they don’t realize the full extent of their responsibility for it. Therefore, these people are worthy of pity; they are unfortunate people, deluded and spiritually ill, and we can’t take offense at the sick.
All of our grievances, I remind you, are the product of self-love. And there are few very serious ones among them. Malicious, deliberate offenders are, in principle, very few. For the most part, people hurt each other either accidentally or due to a lack of intelligence and tact, again without any intention of hurting anyone.
Since resentment is born of self-love, we have to cultivate humility, take offense less, and pay more attention to ourselves, asking, “How am I at fault here? What did I do wrong that caused a conflict? Perhaps the unflattering epithets bestowed upon me are indeed not far from the truth?” After all, some people never quarrel or have a conflict with anyone at all, while others get irritated, argue, and take offense at every step.
Another good way is to try to stand in the offender’s place, understand his situation, and justify him; to act not as a prosecutor but as an advocate. Then it’ll be easier to forgive. For example, we get offended by the saleswoman in a store. We give her folded or crumpled bills, and she responds very sharply or irritably. But just think, if we’re too lazy to unfold them one time, she stands there at the counter all day from morning to evening straightening out crumpled money, selling goods, giving change, and she bears great financial responsibility. And perhaps she’s having some problems at home—her children are sick, her husband left, and so on. So we immediately understand why she isn’t smiling sweetly at us, but angrily. And by justifying someone, we learn not to condemn him, but to feel sorry for him and understand him.
Anger and Prayer—Incompatible Things
Holy Scripture categorically forbids praying in a state of anger, unreconciled with others. Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift (Mt. 5:23–24). And again: For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses (Mt. 6:14–15).
The prayer of an unreconciled, vindictive man is hypocrisy. How can we read the Lord’s Prayer, which has the words: “And forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,” while having an unforgiven offense in our hearts? The Lord doesn’t accept insincere, hypocritical prayer. It’s completely unthinkable to approach the Sacrament of Communion without wholeheartedly forgiving our offenders. If we dare to commune in such a state, then we receive the Holy Mysteries unto judgment and condemnation, becoming like the traitor Judas. Therefore, we have to use all means and paths to reconciliation. As the Apostle Paul says: If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men (Rom. 12:18). And if it’s impossible, if someone has no desire to reconcile—in this case, we have to at least reconcile with him in our soul and wholeheartedly forgive him all offenses. And of course, pray for him.
Irreconciliation and enmity cause God’s grace to withdraw from us. Here’s an example given by St. Ignatius (Brianchaninov) in his Patericon:
Two brothers were at enmity with each other. During the persecution of Christians, they were captured and subjected to many torments, then imprisoned. One said to the other: “Brother! We must reconcile and stop being angry with one another, because tomorrow we die and will stand before the Lord.” But he refused reconciliation. The next day, they were led out of the prison to be beheaded. The brother who wanted to reconcile had his head cut off first, and he departed to the Lord in faith. The other, who didn’t want to reconcile, renounced Christ. The executioner asked: “Why didn’t you renounce your faith yesterday, before the torture, to avoid the pain, but renounced only today?” He responded: “I have transgressed the commandment of my Lord by not reconciling with my brother. Thus, God left me and withdrew His help from me. And deprived of it, I renounced Christ.”
Anger and hatred rob a man of God’s restraining grace, depriving him of reason. A man possessed by the demon of anger can raise his hand even against those who are closest to him. We’ve already said that the majority of murders are caused by anger. The very first murder on earth was committed for the same reason. Why did Cain commit fratricide? It was because of self-love and envy of his brother. The Lord accepted Abel’s sacrifice, but didn’t look upon Cain’s gift, because He saw that it wasn’t offered from a pure heart. Seeing Cain’s dark thoughts, the Lord warned him: Sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it (Gen. 4:7). Remember that every sin begins by accepting the thought of it. Cain sowed the seeds of hatred for his brother in his heart; he didn’t try to “rule over” his anger and wound up committing murder.
I’ll give you another example showing what state a man can reach when he succumbs to anger. Dioscorus, the father of the Great Martyr Barbara, was a pagan. Having become a widower, he concentrated all his emotional attachment and care on his only daughter. He raised her, hiding her from prying eyes; prepared her for marriage to a rich and noble man; hired pagan teachers for her education and upbringing. Dioscorus thought he loved his daughter. But then St. Barbara secretly accepted Christianity. When her father found out about it, his anger knew no bounds. He drew his sword and chased after her. St. Barbara was saved then by a miracle. When her father found her, he beat her, imprisoned her, starved her for a long time, and then handed her over to the ruler of the city to be tortured and tormented. Dioscorus executed his daughter himself by cutting her head off with a sword. God’s wrath did not delay in punishing Dioscorus and the ruler: They were both struck by lightning.
What happened to Dioscorus? Why did he, who only recently surrounded his only daughter with nothing but love and care, deal with her so cruelly and mercilessly? The devil found his weak point—irascibility. Failing to overcome the passion of anger in himself, the impious father was completely overtaken by it; he no longer had control of himself, having turned into satan’s obedient plaything.
