Imagine a typical Sunday morning in a religious family. A ray of sunlight timidly peeks through the window, the kitchen smells of fresh rolls, and a tension familiar to many hangs in the air. The parent’s call: “Let’s go to church!” is met with a muffled groan from under the blanket: “I don’t want to...” And now gentle persuasion gives way to irritation, and a sense of duty starts struggling with sincere bewilderment: “But why?! We want the best!”
If you’re familiar with this scenario, you’re not alone. The question of how to pass on the precious pearl of faith to your children without wounding their fragile souls with the thorns of coercion worries every loving Christian family. We want their journey to God to be a joyful pilgrimage, not a cheerless “duty”. So where is the “golden mean” between permissiveness and dictatorship? Let’s consider this difficult but important subject together, armed with both Biblical wisdom and the advice of modern psychologists.
Before talking about methods, let’s remember the purpose. What do we really want? For our children to follow a set of religious rules mechanically? Or for them to know the love of God, to learn to trust Him, and to build a personal, deep relationship with Him?
Deuteronomy gives us an excellent instruction: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up (Deut. 6:5-7).
Note the sequence: first there is love for God in the heart, and then there is a constant, unobtrusive, lively discussion of faith in everyday life. Not a scheduled lesson, but a natural intertwining of Divine truths with our everyday lives. We talk about God when we admire the beauty of the sunset, when we console others in resentment, or when we express our thanks for a delicious dinner. Faith does not become a separate subject, but a language spoken by the whole family.
A personal example is very important when our deeds match our words. Children are incredibly astute creatures. They rarely listen to what we say, but always look at what we do. You can give a lecture about the importance of prayer a hundred times, but if they have never seen us praying sincerely, with hope, it will remain mere empty words for them. Your own living faith is the most powerful message for your children. Do they see you fasting with reverence or reading the Scriptures? Do they hear you thanking God quietly for your success or entrusting your worries to Him? Do they feel that for you the Church is not a dull obligation, but a meeting place with your beloved Lord?
The Apostle Paul wrote in his Epistle to the Galatians: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law (Gal. 5:22-23). Here it is—the main marker! If your family atmosphere is filled with these fruits, the children will intuitively want to touch their Source. Your longsuffering in conflicts speaks louder about faith than an hour-long sermon. Your joy, regardless of circumstances, is more eloquent than any textbook.
Psychologists fully support this approach. They state that the so–called “behavior modeling” is the most effective way of teaching. Children unconsciously imitate not only the actions, but also the emotional reactions of their parents. If for you going to church is a festive occasion, a meeting with friends, a source of strength and joy, there is a high probability that your child will perceive it the same way. There is a Russian proverb: “a slave cannot be pious.” It is not just popular wisdom, but a spiritual reality. You can force a person to stand through the service, but you cannot force him to stand with faith in his heart. Coercion only breeds rejection, hypocrisy, and rebellion. Imagine that every day you give your child the dish he most detests, saying: “Eat it, it’s healthy!” What will happen? He will hate both this dish and the process of eating; and in the future, having gained freedom, he will avoid it like the plague. The same thing happens with spiritual food. When prayer or the Liturgy is associated with quarrels, pressure, and a sense of guilt, we unwittingly build a wall between the child and God.
Christ addresses harsh words to the legalists in the Gospel of Matthew: But woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye shut up the Kingdom of Heaven against men: for ye neither go in yourselves, neither suffer ye them that are entering to go in (Mt. 23:13). It is a terrible lot to become an obstacle on the path to God. Let’s ask ourselves honestly: Are we sure we aren’t “Pharisees” for our children when our zeal for the external form extinguishes their inner desire? Psychologists warn that constant pressure in such a subtle sphere as faith leads to two main scenarios. The first is open protest and complete abandonment of religion in adolescence or adulthood as a reaction to the imposed lack of freedom. The second is sadder: a person remains in the faith, but his faith becomes neurotic, based on fear, a sense of duty and guilt, rather than on love and trust. He observes rites, but his heart is far from God. A reasonable question arises: If you don’t force your child, does it mean that you should let things take their course and wait for the child to become a sincere Christian at the age of thirty? Certainly not. The parent’s role is not to pressure, but to create a favorable environment, motivate and guide gently.
Here we can draw an analogy with school. We don’t insist that our child study because we like to torment him, but because we believe that education is vital for his future. But a good parent doesn’t just drag his child to school by the scruff of his neck. Instead he tries to arouse his interest in knowledge, make the process exciting, and support him in difficulties. It’s the same with faith. A certain discipline and regularity are needed. But it must be a discipline warmed by love. Now proceed from words to practical advice on how to implement this.
1. Make church services desirable. Let the journey to church be pleasant. You can play your child’s favorite songs before the service, and start a custom of having breakfast with the whole family in a cafe or in a park after the service. Create positive psychological anchors.
2. Adapt the presence at the service for your little ones. Do not ask a five-year-old to stand motionless throughout the hour-and-a-half Liturgy. A child at this age cannot understand the concepts of sin and repentance. It’s better to give him a book with Bible stories, pencils, or a quiet toy. Let him go outside if he’s tired. Explain what is happening: “Now the priest is going to read the Gospel. Let’s listen—these are very important words from God.”
3. Turn prayer into a dialogue with God. Instead of the cold “Go and read the rule!”, try to pray together before going to bed. And not only by the prayer-book; let the child pray in his own words—thank God for something good, ask Him to help his friend, or complain about his offense. Show him that we can tell God everything, as to our closest Friend. Frankly speaking, adults lack such a sincere prayer…
4. Seek God in the life around you. Faith is not limited to the church walls. This includes reading the Bible aloud together and discussing actions of the characters; walking in the forest while admiring the complexity of the created world; helping a stray animal or an old lady next door as the embodiment of the commandment of love.
5. Respect the child’s “I don’t want to.” If your child is openly protesting against going to church, don’t speak brutally. Try to understand the reason. Is he bored? Has anybody hurt him? Does he not understand the meaning of what is happening? Have a heart-to-heart conversation with him. Sometimes you can make a compromise: “Let’s not go to the whole service today, but only to the part that you love—Communion.” Or: “Okay, you’ll stay at home today, but we’ll read the Gospel and pray together tonight.” This will show that you respect his feelings, and faith is a sphere of dialogue, not an ultimatum.
The principal advice from God and psychologists is love. Ultimately, all the counsels boil down to one thing—unconditional love. The same love that the Apostle Paul said about: Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil (1 Cor. 13:4-5). Show your child that you do not love him for his “churchliness”, but just as he is. Let him know and feel that your love for him will not decrease if he does not want to pray today or starts asking tricky questions and doubts as a teenager. It is in an atmosphere of unconditional acceptance that trust is born. And trust in parents becomes a bridge to trust in God Who is love.
Psychology says the same thing: Secure attachment to parents is the foundation of a healthy psyche and harmonious personal development. A child who is confident in your love is not afraid to come to you with his problems, doubts and fears. And he will turn to you with his spiritual quest too.
Education in faith is not a sprint with precise instructions, but a long, sometimes unpredictable marathon full of unexpected turns. It’s more gardening than building. A gardener does not pull the sprout by the top to make it grow faster. He carefully waters the soil, removes weeds, and provides access to the sun. And the plant, which contains God’s creation, will reach out to the Light by itself.
Let’s be wise and loving gardeners for the souls of our children. Let us “water” them with love, “warm” them with our example, and wait patiently for the seed of faith that we have carefully sown in them to germinate in its own unique way and bear fruit—not out of compulsion, but out of good will, and out of the fullness of their hearts.
