On the eve of July 8, the feast of Sts. Peter and Fevronia of Murom, which is also celebrated in Russia as the Day of Family, Love and Fidelity, we asked some Orthodox families of priests and laypeople what family traditions hold their families together and to share recipes for family happiness with readers.
“A child’s personality is shaped by everyone he is in contact with”
The Nokhrin family’s children are growing up to be patriots
Svetlana and Stanislav Nokhrin are parents of four children.
Svetlana Nokhrina, a mother of many children:
It is now trendy to write about family traditions and values. In my childhood. no one used such concepts. I believe that everything that is in a child comes from his family and environment. We are all very different, and our children are different too—with their own characters and inclinations. A child’s personality is shaped by everyone he is in contact with: his grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends and, of course, his parents. What parents do, how they treat their relatives and others—all this shapes a child’s character.
In my childhood no one in our family talked about traditions and values—we just lived by them. My mother spent all her free time with us children. She lived by our interests, and later by the interests of our children. She was aware of all our matters and pranks. I told her everything.
My maternal grandfather would gather teenagers from the whole village and organize games with them. My entire environment was as active, and I’m active as well. My children adopted this habit quickly, and now they have an active life position. For us being together, doing something together and involving other children in this is not just a tradition—it is our way of life.
We treasure the time we have and learn to value that of others. Our home is always full of guests. Some stay with us for a while, others just like to come to visit us. We love it when people come to see us—it is to some extent an indication we are needed. That’s partly why we are rarely just on our own, and we value this time.
We can all count on each other. After all, together we are a force and can move mountains. Now there is much talk that parents should be interested in their children’s hobbies, but it happens automatically in our family. Once our eldest daughter went to study historical dances, everyone in our family began to support her as much as possible: we helped her sew dresses, with stage props, and her father provided transportation and moral support. When the elder children went to the Memory Watch, the other family members got involved too. When the school asked parents to hold the Zarnitsa game, everyone helped too: one of us was responsible for medicine, another for shooting, another for the obstacle course... At the end of the school year, we again gather a group of children for the Velikoretsky cross procession. The group is large: fifty people or more. Everyone is involved again. Immediately after a short break we go on a kayaking trip. And again, with a group of children, and there is something for everyone to do. After all, it is easier to divide up the responsibilities. And it’s easier for us to get together and discuss an upcoming event, since we live in the same apartment.
We also try to divide up the housework, relieving each other and lending a hand. That’s how we live. Judge for yourself what our traditions and values are. For my part, I can give advice: never argue in public or in front of your children. You will make up and forget it quickly, but your children will remember it forever. And also: spend more time with your children. Time flies by so quickly… At the age of thirteen they will not be as interested in you as when they were younger. Time is the greatest treasure that the Lord has given us. He will ask us: “What did you invest the time I gave you in?” We must know what to answer Him.
Surprisingly, the whole Nokhrin family has decided to take part in our talk. Each of the grown-up children has their own vision of family traditions and their own answer.
“The most important thing in a family is trust”
Anastasia Nokhrina, the eldest daughter, twenty-four, lives in Moscow, works in Skolkovo as an organizer of youth work:
The most important thing in a family is trust. When there is trust, no one is afraid to talk about their hobbies and new interests. When parents are interested in what their children are doing and how they live, they are on the same wavelength. What matters is not mere approval but their active involvement: to find out what can be done to help your child or what kind of support is needed at a given moment. And when parents and children have a system of understanding, it will not disappear even once the children grow up and leave the nest.
I know that I can always come to my father and recommend him a book that I liked, and then discuss it or share some song I love, because our musical tastes are similar. And I expect him to do the same in return when he wants to share what is interesting and important to him. We have one coordinate system that binds us together.
Parents do not always accept what is the norm for young people, but they try. However, this process is not quick, because they have lived with these views much longer than we have.
A family is about lending a helping hand and giving mutual support. But in order to live in your dream home you need to build it first, and it’s the same here.
“Family values mean doing everything together”
Maria Nokhrina, twenty-two, a student of Vyatka State Agrotechnological University in Kirov:
For me family values mean to do everything together: to go on a picnic together, to plant potatoes together, to go hiking together. For me one of such hobbies is attending youth meetings at the Church of St. John the Baptist. The three of us attend these meetings: my older sister, my brother, and I.
We also do many other things together. For example, every year the whole family goes on vacation at the end of summer. We don’t need to travel far away: it is enough just to go, no matter where and how far—the most important thing is that we are together…
“Your home should be such that you want to go there”
Alexei Nokhrin, seventeen, an 11th grade student at the Vyatka Orthodox school in Kirov:
Everyone in our family is very attached to each other. This attachment goes beyond the scope of ordinary help; it’s in our head, in our souls. Maybe these are big words, but it’s hard for us to be apart. Everything we do, we do together. We share our experience with each other every day and do not plan anything—everything works out by itself.
There are many holidays in our lives. We celebrate some of them, and arrange many of them ourselves. We have almost no breaks between events: it is tiring and rewarding at the same time.
The Nokhrin family
Our family is not just six people: it’s our friends, relatives and other people, often unknown to each other at all. They all feel good here, they feel at home here. Your home should be such that you want to go there.
“Our family is constantly on the move”
Olga Nokhrina, fifteen, a 9th grade student at the Vyatka Orthodox school in Kirov:
I like it that our family is constantly on the move. I was taken to all family trips from an early age. I’ve always lived in a large family and I can’t imagine how you can live any other way. I am glad that it is my family who helps everyone and organizes events.
I am the youngest child in the family and I see this as an advantage. There are many unusual people and outstanding creative personalities in our house, whom you can hardly ever meet in person in life.
The family has taught us not to be afraid of people and to help everyone, even strangers. There are not so many restrictions, prohibitions and unnecessary worries in our family. I want it to stay that way.
“Our family tradition is not to miss Sunday services!”
Alexander Kochkin with his wife Olga and sons
Alexander Kochkin, a farmer of the village of Demyanovo of the Podosinovets district, the Kirov region:
Our family tradition is not to miss Sunday services! And after the service we always go to a family cafe, preferably where there is a children’s playroom. As a rule, this is the Dacha or Sushilka cafe in the south-west part of town. Sometimes friends or other parishioners with children come to the café with us.
We try to give our children some household duties. When we are in town, their main duty is to go and put artesian well water into five-liter bottles (we don’t especially like home delivery). The eldest son Danil used to do it earlier. When he grew up, it became the duty of our middle son Demyan (he is looking forward to the time when his younger brother Seraphim starts doing it).
Now in the summer we are in Demyanovo, where I have a farm nearby. The eldest son keeps asking me to allow him to work a little on the farm. We always have something to do there. As a reward, I give them a ride on an ATV in our vast northern expanses.
We put a lot of effort into making our middle son an accordion player like his grandfather. And now, after several years of studying at a music school, Demyan rehearses complex works enthusiastically in the evenings. I like to see my wife’s happy eyes as she watches him play.
I try to spend some time with each son separately. For example, take a trip to Demyanovo, or go to boxing training with the eldest son, or help the youngest, Seraphim, with Lego or drawing. Spending time with each one individually, I watch them grow up, develop their own characters and how their specific abilities are manifested.
My spouse is my assistant and critic. She can be strict and gentle at the same time. Thanks to her character, strict discipline is kept in our home, which is always a clean and cozy place. She helps me make difficult decisions.
Alexander Kochkin with his wife Olga and children on the farm
Another tradition that we try to observe is participation in the cross procession to the Velikaya River. We can’t always walk in the whole Velikoretsky procession, but at least we accompany it as far as the village of Makarye. And on June 3, when the Velikoretsky procession begins, is my wife’s birthday, so at the first stop in Makarye I take a cake out of my backpack (it’s not easy to carry it), light a candle, and we all celebrate Olga—my wife and our children’s mother.
Happiness in a family also depends on the observance of hierarchy: the husband, then the wife, then children.
“God has given us to know what happiness is”
Andrei and Eugenia Stepanov, parents of seven children.
Andrei Stepanov, head of the family:
God has given me, my wife and, hopefully, our children to know what happiness is. Once I asked my Wife, “Are you happy?” My spouse answered, “Yes, very happy.” I continued, “Why?” She replied: “I feel fullness, satisfaction with my life, that everything in my life is according to God’s commandments; I feel care, attention, love and support from my children and husband, although it can sometimes be hard. I like to see our family’s constant growth, our children, and it is never boring.”
My wife said a lot of other little things. And I didn’t even doubt that she would say that she was really happy, and it seems to me that she is probably happier than I am.
I thought that happiness had caught us unawares. It seems that it did not come immediately and began to live in our home imperceptibly—suddenly I came to realize that I was happy, and that’s it! But if I strain my memory, I will say that happiness was in our family from the very beginning, and then it didn’t go anywhere, but just grew with us.
Happiness must constantly change for the better and grow. They say that constancy in family relations kills—relations must develop all the time.
World mass culture shows us how young people seek each other, then find each other and get married. That’s it: here is happiness. This is the happy end of many books and movies. But this sweet happiness does not last long and becomes boring. At first, a relationship develops according to a well-known pattern: They talked, discuss everything, hold hands, start kissing and embracing. and what next? How can the relationship develop further to prevent happiness from ending? Alternatively, they can terminate their relationship and try it again with someone else, experiencing these feelings and their development once again. I can’t comment on this—it was too painful in my youth, and I definitely can’t call it happiness.
If you look closely at the world around you in contemplation and silence—the breeze, the movement of clouds, the play of the sun and the moon—seeing how beautiful this world is, filled with harmony and happiness, you can’t but wonder how it happens that this harmony passes people by? And in pursuit of this illusory happiness years go by and life passes. I can’t speak for everyone: I’ll just say for us and for our happiness, where it came from. From the commandments of the Lord:
For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder (Mt. 19:5-6);
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And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it (Gen. 1:28);
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And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him (1 Jn. 4:16).
It seems to me that people often ask God for the separate components of happiness: good health, an apartment, a car, travel, money, a job, etc. And they don’t ask for happiness itself—for love. Happiness and love exist—you just have to take them. A relationship between a man and a woman should and can develop constantly, and this happiness must be taken and not rejected; if God gives you happiness in the person of children, you must accept them all. If you reject even one of them, the fullness of happiness will not come, and happy family relations can be disrupted even after twenty years together. To accept a new child into your family is to receive another guardian angel. The guardian angels of our six children just carry my wife in their arms, surrounding her with safety and happiness.
When a man dies, he will ask God, “Why didn’t You give me happiness and love?” And perhaps the answer will be as follows: “Your love and happiness came to you many times, but each time at the right moment, while on your nuptial bed, you slammed the door before them. Your love and happiness flew away to others—wonderful new people were born and grew up, who are fruitful and multiply, and all the Love and Happiness (which the humanity is completely abandoning today) are given to them.”
“Unconditional trust in God’s Providence”
Eugenia Stepanova adds something to her husband’s reflections:
Unconditional trust in God’s Providence is important, because God knows better which path we should walk. If the Lord sends you children, they are needed—this is your path. Therefore, I think it is a sin to refuse what the Lord sends you.
What undoubtedly gives us strength, cheerfulness, joy, and the ability to forgive is frequent Communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ. And when the Lord Himself acts in us, He arranges everything in the best way. You understand that your human strength is not enough for everything, but if you are with God, if Jesus Christ is in your heart, then He will arrange everything, help you in everything and do everything. And what we use to fill the common space of a family depends on us. Joint efforts to organize our day-to-day family life and coziness bring us closer. Tenderness, affection for your family members, caring for each other, forgiveness when another person is weak, acceptance of each other and understanding that we are all human beings.
We are also united by preparations for events, family musical evenings, and long trips together—to the south, to Moscow and other cities.
