The Lord is coming into our world. The Divine Infant is being born. He can’t do anything on His own yet. He needs care and attention of a mother who will hug and nurse Him and a father who will protect Him. He trusted them. And do we know how to trust Him? What do we expect from the Lord, crossing the threshold of the Church? Well-being, solving our problems, and the joy of communion with God? We expect everything at once. But we often get something completely different. Why? We talked about this with Marina Filonik—psychologist, psychotherapist, and head of the Psychology for the Church educational project. We have also discussed how not to spill grace and cheer ourselves up if we don’t want anything on the eve of the festive season.
We rarely seek God as a Brother
Well, who does anything on a whim? I mean going in for sports, for example. People basically start taking care of themselves when they already have health problems. And so it is in everything. We seek solutions to our problems and solace in various spheres, including the spiritual. And this need is not even for God, but for a higher power, for a miracle of healing, improvement of a situation, etc.
Well..., They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick (Mt. 9:12). And the Lord answers us: “Okay, I’m ready to be your Doctor if you come to Me as a patient. Or a Teacher.” We rarely seek God as a Brother, a Friend, or a Father.
I’m the same as before
Having come to church in extreme need, a person thinks that he and his life should change drastically. If I was depressed, I’ll become joyful. If I was aggressive and gloomy, I will become amiable and sweet. But nothing happens. I’m the same as before. It’s easy to get disappointed, offended, and go to look for miracles elsewhere.
Or a dangerous attitude may appear: “I have come to God, so I must be joyful.” And once I start demanding something from myself, especially emotions, religious neurosis begins.
Of course, it happens that the Lord gives a person light, peace, grace, and joy. But it is not because he suddenly became a believer. Religion is not a pill. Although we really want a pill. But this is a normal desire.
Let’s separate joy from our relationship with God
Joy is a pleasant emotion, a reaction to the realization of something important to me, what I need right now. And if I don’t get it, I experience negative emotions. Here we are talking not only about vital needs—to eat, to sleep, or to rest—but also about meanings and values. And believers are no different from non-believers here. Emotion is a result of getting or not getting what is important to me, what I need.
When I feel good, I forget about God
There is a fashionable myth: if I pray poorly or pray only when I feel bad, I bring suffering on myself. The Lord allows suffering in order to urge me to come to Him.
This myth stems from this experience: I only pray when I’m in need. And when I feel good, I forget about God. By analogy, when I hurt my knee, I run to my mother. And when everything is fine, I just play with other children, but I don’t think about my mother.
However, that doesn’t mean that at that moment my love for my mother or her love for me disappears. The bond between us remained when I went to play with my friends in the playground. It’s the same with God. My bond with Him is not severed even if I think about Him less often.
I want to be a burning icon lamp
Okay, you want to think about God more often. Set a reminder on your cellphone twice a day at any time. It doesn’t matter what mood you’re in at that moment—in joy or in sorrow. Just think about God. These are the things at the behavioral level available to us, but not at the level of psychological state; you cannot order yourself to be in a prayerful spirit or joy.
For this purpose there is the prayer rule: service cycles from annual to weekly, and the daily liturgical cycle, so that regardless of his state, a person can come to church and stand in prayer.
You can also bring your feelings to the Lord and say, “I forget about You when I’m happy. I stop praying. Do something. Awaken my heart. Help me think about You more often and be in touch with You both when I feel good and when I feel bad.”
Besides, we can pray to the Holy Spirit as to the Spirit of peace, the Spirit of the gift of life and joy: “Be with me, be in me. I want to be a burning icon lamp.”
Let’s distinguish between a phenomenon and its interpretation
Phenomenon: I pray when I feel bad; but when I feel good, I don’t pray.
Interpretation: Thus does not mean that I bring evil on myself and God punishes me with sorrows.
Joy is psychophysiology
A lot depends on the cultural context, traditions, and people themselves.
In religion, the rites serve people’s needs. As a result, they give positive emotions. All of our senses are involved: visual perception, hearing, smell, and color impressions. But it is not directly related to God.
We can go to the museum, to the theater—and experience something similar there. This is psychophysiology.
And we cannot prove that the joy we experience while in church, while participating in the sacraments, is fundamentally different from what people of other religions experience. Or what people feel who get joy as a result of encountering some creativity.
Such studies are conducted every now and then. But no one knows anything for sure.
And here the mechanism of faith is activated
Personally, I want to think and think that a truly spiritual experience, that of meeting God, has a different ontology than all other types of joy.
But I am against the division into the profane and the sacred. You can spiritualize your whole life, realizing that all of it is a gift from God. And then the joy of meeting with friends, walking, working, and praying turns everything into prayer. Life itself becomes a prayer. I see everything as a manifestation of God’s presence.
Not to spill the joy of Communion
People often complain that after recieving joy from the sacraments, from Communion, they cannot hold on to it for a long.
Our emotional lability varies. A feather has fallen on someone, and it’s the end of the world for him. Another is in a lot of trouble, but he’s smiling. This is our nature and constitution. But at the same time, everyone understands when they have done something that causes darkness in their souls. We can keep track of these things. But not always.
So if the Lord has poured grace into your basin, but you couldn’t bring it home, don’t exaggerate: not everything is in your power.
And at this moment we need God even more. May He come and settle in my heart, which I cannot control. Because I can’t carry this basin without spilling its contents.
He came to church without grace and left without it
A person can come to church in a state of depression, stand through the service, participate in the sacraments, and feel nothing at all. In this state it is very hard to pray, confess, and receive Communion. He came without a sense of grace and left without it. Now there are plenty of such cases. There may be a challenge for our faith and faithfulness here—when I’m like a stump, will I be able to keep my faith alive? Or is it based more on emotions?
We want to improve our state: this is normal. It was like that before. Read the Gospel: Christ was always followed by cripples, the infirm, and the sick.
And now we realize our unhappiness, our illness, and come to church. And that’s good, that’s normal.
Don’t be too happy—you’ll bring disaster on yourself
This is not a religious myth. The idea is this: Everything is fine now, but I know that later it will be bad. In order to face future challenges fully armed, you cannot relax.
And again a phenomenon and its interpretation
Phenomenon: life is striped like a zebra. No matter whether or not you are ready: there will be a black stripe anyway. And then white again. That’s our reality. And there’s no getting away from it.
Interpretation: I don’t want a black stripe. What can I do to avoid it or make it shorter?
Recipe: I will be less happy. Then there will be no black stripe
It makes some sense. The range of my emotions will be smaller. It means that my emotional swing from sadness to joy is narrower. This is a “medium-gray” sub-depression.
But this does not impact the coming of the black stripe in any way. It will surely come. Suddenly. And you won’t be ready for it anyway.
But if you are continuously waiting for the “end of the world”, you will get chronic stress with all the ensuing consequences.
It’s a sin not to please yourself
If something brings me joy, and I can do something pleasant for myself, it must be done—meet with good people, take walks, dance, and read my favorite books. And don’t regard the joy you derive from it as a sin. It’s a sin not to do that. I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly (Jn. 10:10), the Gospel of John reads.
There are exceptions
Of course, there are such medical diagnoses as bipolar disorder and other unhealthy conditions. The nervous system is overexcited. The person is constantly in an upbeat and joyful mood—he has loads of plans, starts a business, takes out loans, and inspires others with his ideas. Then it all bursts like a soap bubble. The result is sad: no business, no friends, and only the debts remain. But This is an emotional disorder, while we’re talking about something else.
Plans and results
The festive season is coming soon. It’s good to sum up the year gone by and make plans for the new year—it develops awareness. But here there is a danger of falling into a heavy sense of guilt that something did not work out again. I planned one thing for myself, but something absolutely different happened to me. And I start scolding myself that I couldn’t do it again.
It is better for people who are prone to this to try not to make any plans and accept what God is giving them today. Learn to live here and now. Or make short-term plans—for example, for a day. If everything has worked out, that’s fine. If it hasn’t worked out, it’s not a tragedy. There will be something else tomorrow.
The worm of Comparison
Another source of non-festive mood is comparing your life with the lives of other people. We watch social media and TV. It’s glossy everywhere, but we have a dull routine.
And during the festive season the difference between “them” and “me” seems colossal. Back in November or March my life was still tolerable, but now I have looked at how “they” are doing and it has become clear that I will never reach their level.
Refocus and choose life
We often can’t see the good in our lives, and still less thank God and ourselves for it.
There are no problems with sins and unfulfilled plans—we see them. And that’s right—we have to suffer. Try it: Refocus and change your strategy. Choose life. If you’re going to sum up the year gone by, then try to focus on good things.
How to cheer up when you don’t want anything
When a person says he doesn’t want anything, it’s not true. In reality, he doesn’t want to do what he has to do: what others expect from him or what he expects from himself.
“I am not in the mood to set the table, put up a Christmas tree, receive guests, or visit my relatives.” And this is an understandable situation.
Imagine that a magician has come to you
Now he will fulfill your desire. What do you want? To lie on the sofa? Lie down. If you don’t want to visit your relatives, stay at home.
What else do you want to do? To go to the park or to a cafe with your friend? You may go. Please go.
But we get stuck in a state of discontent. We don’t allow ourselves anything. The path to change is through acceptance. You allow yourself to be lazy, you may lie down on the sofa. You stop fighting with yourself, you humble yourself and allow yourself some things today that you didn’t allow yourself before.
And then a miracle occurs: within a few days or a few months your energy and desires reappear. Life is changing for the better. This is physiology. Therefore, what joy can there be if you are physically and mentally exhausted?
A magic kick
But sometimes you shouldn’t reflect and pity yourself, but should give yourself a magic kick.
If I don’t want to do something, but I know that then my needs will not be satisfied, I must force myself and do it. According to the fruits, an improvement in my state will follow later.
You don’t feel like going to see your friends? But you know you will have a great time there. So you should go.
You don’t feel like going to the swimming pool or to the gym? But it will lift your spirits and there will be a feeling of satisfaction. And you know it. So you should go.
Appetite comes with eating.
And yet about Christmas!
The Lord has come into our world. He’s still a defenseless Baby in need of help. He trusted the people around Him. God trusted us!
Let us allow ourselves to accept this feeling of defenselessness, weakness, and smallness. Let’s try to treat ourselves these days just as Mary treats Him. With the same care and acceptance.
Let this be a Christmas gift, a Christmas prayer: “Lord, You are being born right now and You cannot do anything yet. And I can’t do anything either. I give up. I want to lie down next to You and pray. I want Mary to take care of the two of us.”
And by giving up, by falling into these loving arms, I finally give God the opportunity to act. Isn’t that the main point of Christmas? Give up and get closer to Him.
