How many young people dream of a strong, happy family, and how often our dreams do not align with reality at all. Sometimes we rush and mistake sympathy for love, or parents intervene and do not allow their children to create their own family, or perhaps we decide that the sacrament of church marriage will be a vaccination for future family life, and everything will work out ideally on its own from then on... On World Youth Day, we spoke with Fr. David Proskuryakov, rector of the Church of the Nativity of the Most Holy Theotokos in Astrakhan Region, about how and where to seek one’s happiness, and what to do to not miss it or destroy it with one’s own hands.
Fr. David Proskuryakov
—Father, the theme of our conversation is the difficulties that arise for young people when creating a family. It seems to me that in the modern world, with its huge number of opportunities, it is unclear where to meet: whether at work, or in church, or through some social networks or apps. Everywhere there are temptations, everywhere there are dangers. And it seems there are many chances to meet one’s life match, but it turns out there are a lot of pitfalls. So, where to seek one’s happiness?
—If you ask how to find one’s second half, I do not know, because a husband for a wife and a wife for a husband is a gift from God. And a gift cannot be earned. The Lord unexpectedly gives it Himself. When people ask if one can pray for a second half, I answer that one can and even must. There is a joke: “I prayed that the Lord would grant me a husband, and the Lord granted me a good husband. But you did not pray, and you got what you got.” But seriously regarding how this happens, I do not know—it is a real miracle.
As for the searches themselves, I have a negative example. A friend who was about to be ordained a priest needed to get married urgently. And he arranged a whole casting. He wrote down the names of girls he liked, allocated two weeks for each, came to their homes, got acquainted. In the end, he chose a young lady for himself, but everything ended in tragedy. They got married, but the family fell apart. Search and casting in this form is, in my opinion, horrible—so let’s skip the first part of the question and move on to relationships.
When my matushka and I were married in church, an experienced priest revealed a secret to me: “Every day tell your spouse that you love her.” The Lord gave woman a sensitive heart, and a man—a simpler heart, so it is very important to always tell your spouse that you love her; it is important for her heart.
There is also advice for women. Do you want your husband to be your Prince Charming? You need to say things to him about this. “You are the best in the world for me!”—and the husband will strive for this great title, because his woman tells him that he is the best, and he will become that way.
Do you want your husband to be your Prince Charming? You need to say things to him about this
The Lord granted me the most unique wife, who smoothed over all my initial mistakes. When I was ordained, we already had three children. I was vouchsafed the priesthood as a fully formed family man, but in the first years of our married life, when there were problems with work and money, my wife calmly told me: “You and I will not perish. You will find a way out. You will cope.” And indeed, everything worked out for me in the end.
—It seems to me that for a sincere Christian person who goes to church, there is another rather difficult moment. Modern people, it seems to me, are not very geared toward marriage. They prefer one-time relationships, or what is called civil marriage in secular society. In our understanding, this is ordinary cohabitation or fornication. And few are ready for the burdens of family life. They meet, get intimately involved, decide they don’t like each other, and part. For a person who believes in Christ, this is fundamentally impossible. And where can you find a person like-minded in faith, in spirit? It turns out that the choice is quite limited. Is it only the church?
—No, not necessarily. Let us not forget that this is a gift from God, which can be given anywhere. But this does not mean that no efforts need to be made at all. It is important to understand one’s mate. If we communicate and have absolutely nothing in common, but he or she is beautiful, that is not enough. We understand simple things: where it is warm, and where it is cold—this is ordinary for us. So in communication, it should be at the level of an elementary conclusion: If a man offers to live in a civil marriage, “to test feelings,” this says that he does not love you at all. A man by nature is a conqueror—we men have this trait: we never let go of what is ours. “This is my woman, I want to tell everyone about it, that she is mine.” If there is no such thing, he does not love you, he is waiting for a better match. For a man, such behavior is shameful and destructive. And it is also shameful and destructive for a woman who allows herself to be treated this way.
—Then one should run?
—Of course, do not get involved with such a person at all. Such an offer should be an insult to a woman.
—Sometimes it seems to me that women agree to compromise because they understand that otherwise they might end up alone altogether. And it is very scary—to meet old age in loneliness.
—It is important to remember that the Lord loves us in a way we cannot comprehend. And one should not say in this case: “Oh, I will be left alone now, I will not find anyone.” In this way, you separate yourself from God’s love. If a person really understands that one cannot enter such relationships, it is sin, it’s foul and unbecoming, the Lord will not abandon her, He is always nearby. And if even such a situation is necessary for the soul, for a person to live alone, then this is what God gave, it is from His hand. With God, this is not scary. To my memory, girls who did not allow themselves to be treated like a thing, like a temporary option, never remained without a good husband. Inner dignity, good breeding—that is the most precious diamond in the eyes of any normal man.
Inner dignity is the most precious diamond in the eyes of any normal man
—I quite often hear the phrase that opposites attract. But the older I get, the more I understand that this is exclusively a physical law. Having been attracted to an “opposite” person, you very soon run in different directions. To be next to a person for a long time, you must have very similar interests. If you are a morning person, and he is a night owl, if you like black, and he likes white, you like mountains, and he likes the sea, and if you do not find a common language, then it is very difficult to build a serious family life. These are the simplest examples, but we are talking about deeper things. And accordingly, one still needs to seek a person with similar interests, and not enter marriage only because she is beautiful or he is a prince on a white horse. What do you think, do opposites attract or should they still be people with the same priorities?
—If I recall the first years of our family life with my matushka, when our little daughter was growing up, she uttered the phrase: “How did you come together? You are absolutely different!” We really were absolutely different. But if you look at us now, we have been together for twenty-one years, we even look alike externally. We look like we are brother and sister. At the beginning we were completely different, and then we united. One cannot derive some formula. They can be similar, they can be different—the strength of the family does not depend on this. One just needs to stay away from sin, and the Lord Himself will manage other details.
—There is a very well-known instruction: “Primarily—unity, secondarily—freedom, in everything—love.” It seems to me this is the basic principle for creating a happy family. But how to understand, when feelings overwhelm you, when you are young, when emotions boil, when hormones rage too... How to calm oneself, to settle down, how to approach the creation of a family rationally? Is there perhaps some time period that one must wait out? Are there some basic criteria, parameters that must coincide?
—Everyone is different. Of course, prayer is important here. For young people, morning and evening prayers are sufficient. It is important not to skip them. It is important not to forget about God and always hold on to the hem of His garment. Always live with a glance at Him: “Lord, I know that You love me and will not abandon me.” There should always be some childlike relationship with God. Like a child who turns to his parents, no matter how old he is.
—In some prayer books, I found a very short and very, very precise prayer: “Lord, grant me a husband pleasing to Thee, and pleasant to me.” And it seems to me that in these words lies the main thing. If this person is pleasing to God, then he will be to your heart too.
—Yes, precisely formulated. There is one important point. One should not intend to correct anyone. I know tragic cases when a girl sees a young man she likes, but he has some obvious vice—for example, he drinks. And she thinks that after the wedding she will correct him, but it turns out to be a disaster. Of course, there will be no corrections, because in family life we do not correct, but are corrected.
In family life we do not correct, but are corrected
—One priest I know gave this advice before marriage: Before the wedding, one needs to talk with the person all the time. In order to get to know the person, to understand with whom you will live further and what kind of person this is. It seems to me this is sound advice...
—Yes, and here it would be good to talk in person. Not through modern means of communication. Get out of the internet, the online zone, and walk, communicate live, look at the person.
—The question of faith. If a girl goes to Church and believes, but a young man does not? Or vice versa. It is good if this is calmly accepted, but there are also militant atheists.
—Fundamental things still must be common. We have quite a few Orthodox people, guys and girls. This is my inner aspiration, that my daughters at least look toward believing young men.
—Do you pray for their successful marriage or do the girls themselves ask for worthy husbands?
—Of course, at services, but not in a special way, locking myself in a cell. I know that my mother-in-law prayed that my wife would find a husband. I am grateful to her for this prayer. Perhaps it is according to the labors of my wonderful mother-in-law that such mercy from God came to me in the end. For men, it usually does not work that way, everything is somewhat simpler.
—Another, it seems to me, difficult moment in family relations is to separate from parents and cleave to each other. Very often family stories end in tragedies when moms and dads intervene in the relationship. Separation from the parental family is very hard for many. In this case, what can help? Separate living or simply the realization that the man is the head of the family and he makes decisions—not his wife or mother. Alas, there are many mama’s boys, many girls who run from problems to mama’s skirts all the time.
—One can recall how satan sowed doubts in Eve about Adam. After he managed to sow doubts in Adam, he sowed doubts in him about God Himself. If someone starts saying something bad about a husband or wife, criticizing, doubting the correctness of his words, then all these conversations can lead to catastrophe. At the level of Adam and Eve, this turned out to be a catastrophe on a human scale. At our level, this is a catastrophe on a family scale.
To separate children from parents, parents need to remember this. Very often people do not understand this. “This is my little son, how can I give him away? She is from an unknown family, how can I leave him?”—mothers think. But all these moments need to be explained to oneself and cut to the quick, because after the sacrament of church marriage, the closest people are husband and wife. There is no one closer among people. And they need to develop this closeness all their life. One must not forget that the Lord loves my children immeasurably more than I do. He allows us to raise children for some period, for which we must be grateful to Him! Children are not the personal property of parents. An adult child no longer needs to be raised. One can give advice if asked, and pray, and if you understand that the advice will not be heeded, immediately turn to prayer. This is very important for parents. Are there candals in your adult child’s family? It is okay, they will figure it out. The parents’ business in such cases is to pray.
After the sacrament of church marriage, the closest people are husband and wife. And they need to develop this closeness all their life
—Probably one can ask advice from family about one’s chosen one before marriage, but after creating a family, let no one into it. Everything that happens in the family remains only in the family. One should not tell anything to moms, dads, or girlfriends. Probably, one can make an exception for a spiritual father. Or, if everything is really bad, for a psychologist. But one should not complain to friends and girlfriends.
—One should not let anyone into the family. Never tell any moments, even good ones, but especially intimate ones. These are your affairs, they should not concern anyone. An outsider can, of course, look without any delusion, but can also mix in unnecessary conjectures, so it is better to keep silent on such topics and rely on God.
—It seems to me that any topic we touch upon still comes down to the fact that the Lord always loves you. He always knows better than you. And the universal remedy in all situations is only prayer.
—Yes, communication with God is important, and to say: “Lord, without Thee I can do nothing.” This is the most important moment in human life, including family life. These are fundamental things. Sometimes people say that they have a marriage certificate, but do not want to be married in church—and at the same time call themselves Christians. How can one create a family without God? First of all, one needs to come to church and ask for God’s help.
—And if one is an agnostic, for example, and the other is a believer, one should not drag the other to church by force?
—Now in all churches, conversations are held before church marriage. It will not work by force anyway. The priest usually explains why this sacrament is performed and that it is precisely with church marriage that the family begins. We must approach this very responsibly. If husband and wife are Christians, then I generally do not know how they can be without a church marriage, because without God’s grace a person can’t do anything.
—But sometimes couples forget that having the sacrament of church marriage is not a vaccination for a happy family life. For the family to succeed, one needs to work. And if you are married in church, this does not mean that everything will be fine further. You will also have difficulties.
—Often people do not dare to be married in church because they think that if they suddenly part, it will be difficult to do so being married in church. With such an approach, one should not create a family at all. The destruction of a family is a huge misfortune, a catastrophe. It is a sin that damages us. From the fact that you parted being not married in church, you are damaged no less than being married in church. And if you start a family with this kind of “thinking,” then it is better not to start at all. Do not torment anyone.
—The topic is so complex. On one hand, anything can happen in one moment. Here you met, and glory to God, you are together. And sometimes everything is so hard that a person despairs and thinks that it is better to be completely alone.
—Despair can happen in any situation, not necessarily in family life. At work something may not work out, and in other matters, and our hands drop. In any state, despair is one of the signs that you have fenced yourself off from God’s grace. It’s like going out without a coat in winter—if you go out into the street without a coat, you are cold. Why are you cold? Because you are behaving strangely. It’s like going out without a coat when you fence yourself off from God’s grace.
—You open Sacred Scripture, and there the Lord says that It is not good that the man should be alone (Gen. 2:18). You open the Apostle Paul, and he says that if it’s possible for you not to marry—do not marry. For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that (1 Cor. 7:7). Which variant to choose?
—Some think that if a person is not married, not wed, then he must necessarily go to a monastery. That is, either this or that. No other variations. No, sometimes a person can be not in marriage and calmly live in the world. Monasticism is still a calling. And the word “monk”1 fits well here. A different person, a person thinking differently. Most of those who entered the Church as teenagers had thoughts of monasticism. I also did, but one monk told me very accurately in those years about my reflections: “If there is no fire inside you that you cannot resist, then you are not a monk—do not torment yourself.” I then understood that I really am not a monk. It should not be that you are either in a monastery or family. It happens differently—the Lord always knows better than us. It seems to me the key word is that you are not alone, you are always with God. This is very important.
