Part 1: Love, Obedience, Prayer, Meekness, Sobriety, Reading and Stillness
Photo: Bishop Pankraty (Zherdev) / Sever.foma.ru
15.XI.1955
8) Isolation and solitude. All those who sincerely sought the Lord did it neither among people, nor in the world, nor in the tumult of a busy life, but in silence, in secluded and quiet places, far from their close ones, far from their parents, relatives and friends, far from their will and all the snares of the world; it was there that they sought the Lord and found Him, and only there could they stay with the Lord safely and peacefully. Great is the benefit of isolation and solitude, especially for souls which are overwhelmed and tormented by passions. Therefore, I exhort you my soul to flee from people, from their will, from bustle, from fleeting worries and cares and to take refuge in a quiet haven of stillness, solitude and isolation. There, far away from your parents, relatives and people, away from worldly cares, only there will you learn to pray more sincerely, more purely and from the heart. There you will learn to mourn over your sins. There you will be able to make a good beginning. And there it will be easier for you to be united with the Lord and feel sublime moments of Divine joy.
25.XI.1955
Run to solitude, my soul, for it alone will comfort you in adversity with humble prayer and repentance. You have become convinced that you are the most sinful, that by being among people you lead them into temptation, that you already cannot get rid of your passions easily, so it is better for you to live as far away from people as possible, as isolated as possible, as secluded and unknown as possible. How many sorrows and temptations people have caused you, and how many pure joys wandering have given you! You are sinful and full of passions; flee from people so as not to lead them into temptation, not to be a burden to them. Try to be unrecognized by everyone so that no one would know Whose you are, where you are coming from, where you are going, and Whom you are serving. Let no one know how much you eat, how you sleep and how you struggle so that no one should fall into temptation; but perform everything in secret, whether sins or spiritual feats—let no one know about them, because people will judge you for the former and praise you for the latter…
You are an orphan, my soul, you are a worthless and strange wanderer, you are a sinful person, you are a wicked and hypocritical monk, you love human glory, so for all this I advise you to stay as secluded as possible in your cell, in the community and wherever. Be silent and reflective, contemplate on your wickedness, be a little stricter with jokers and frivolous people, be meek and submissive with angry ones, and be humble with spiritual ones. Behave with the elderly and leaders as an immature monk, an ignorant and inexperienced person, and with the young—as an unwise stranger and a novice.
If you try to do this, with the help of God you will feel great joy in your heart, will experience great love in obediences, will acquire great grace in prayer, a great spiritual flame will warm your heart and a plentiful source of tears will flow from your eyes. Great is the benefit of solitude, my dear soul! Just try and you will see!
9) Humility, lowliness of mind and self-abasement. How precious good deeds are! How much praise do those who do them with lowliness of mind deserve! How much God loves monks who resort with zeal to the haven of good deeds and passionlessness…
And what should I do, who am wicked, lazy and callous and do not do a single good deed? Will I be saved? Is there repentance for a sinful and unrepentant person? No, unless he repents and denounces himself, unless he turns to Christ, he will not see His face! And if I truly do not do good deeds, will I see Christ’s face? If I only propose, promise, and only boast with my tongue, but doing nothing in practice, do I have any hope of salvation?
Will I, who am writing these lines and is not doing anything at all, be saved? Will I, angry as I am, receive His mercy there? Will I, lazy and callous, be vouchsafed His grace?
Oh, bitter and terrible questions without any answer! Oh, the fairest questions that I understand with my mind and write with my hand, but do not feel with my heart! Oh, the terrible state of sin! Oh, the bitter life of a callous and stony-hearted man! He does not know whether he is living or dying, sleeping or awake, full or hungry. He does not know what is sweet and what is bitter, what is cold and what is hot, what is white and what is black. Oh, the bitter life of a sinful and callous person! He doesn’t know what is good or what is bad. He does not know how sweet the joys of the one who struggles are. He does not know what the fire of the heart of a true penitent is like. He does not know when he is young and when he is old, when he is healthy and when he is sick. He has never experienced the joys of innocent childhood, has never been inflamed by the desire for the love of God. He has never shed tears over his sins with all his heart.
Virtue does not gladden him, because he does not practice it; he does not loathe sin, because he does not know about it; he is not afraid of the hour of his death, because he does not think about it; he is indifferent to the torments of hell, because he has not seen them with the eyes of faith; Paradise does not gladden him, because he doesn’t want it from the bottom of his heart. He is not sad because of the absence of the grace of the Holy Spirit, because he does not ask for it with boldness.
Oh, how bitter the life of such a person is! How pitiful his state is, and how terrible his end is! But, alas, in the truth of these words I see myself, a sinner! I have spoken as though about someone else, but in fact it is about me.
25–26.XI.1955
I looked into the mirror of my heart and saw that I was this very callous person. I dug deep into my heart and realized that I was the most callous and unfeeling. I examined my conscience thoroughly and was convinced that I was the most overburdened with sins. I examined the power of my mind and got added evidence that I was the most wicked wanderer in the world.
Then I looked in surprise at the appearance of my face and was startled by its weakness, tested the strength of my body and learned about its infirmity. Oh, Lord, is it me?... And again in tears I turned to myself, a sinner…
For a very long time I had been knocking at the door of my soul, but it didn’t answer me. I knocked again and shouted, but it didn’t hear me. I hesitated, waited, and shouted again: “My soul, my soul, arise! Why art thou sleeping? The end is drawing near, and thou wilt be troubled...”
27.XI.1955
Arise, my soul, arise from the sleep of your insensitivity and come so that we can ask each other. I am weeping over your grave, weeping over the coffin of your negligence, and wailing at your bedside, staggered by your insensitivity. I am sobbing like a stranger in the world who has lived all his life in sins. And in my sobbing I call you, my soul, I call you to my judgment!
I, the voice of your conscience, seeing you old and mortified by the evil spirit of insensitivity, seeing that you have not repented, but have wasted your life in idleness, seeing that you will die tomorrow, I call you to my judgment today before you appear before the Lord Jesus Christ. Come now so that we can ask each other; come, do not tarry!
All my life I have been calling you to make a good beginning. But you didn’t want to listen to me. You would make promises to me on the run and leave. And I waited for you in vain at crossroads … You would pass by quickly and wander along roads that lead nowhere, far away from Jesus. All the time you were wandering along the paths of iniquity, while I, the poor one, was weeping and praying for you secretly: “Open the doors of repentance to me, O Lord!” I wept, lamented and sighed endlessly to the Lord for you…
29.XI.1955
And the God of mercy and compassion opened the door of repentance and His mercy to you and vouchsafed you to go far away from the world, to a holy monastery, so that you could repent there, humble yourself, obey, pray and, rejecting everything, serve Him alone…
And for six years now you have been isolated from the world, but woe is me, my soul, for you have fallen again—your mind is dissipated, your body has become lazy, your heart has fallen into insensitivity, and you did not want to listen to me, the voice of your conscience, and forgot me again, went astray again, becoming your own master…
Come, come, my soul, to the judgment; come so that we can ask each other, come so that we can examine each other and unite again. Come so that we may be reconciled and at least from now on live in peace, in the service of the Lord Jesus Christ…
But woe to me, woe to you, woe to both of us! Because I call you, but you don’t want to listen to me. I cry, but you laugh at me. I wake you up from sleep, but you get confused. I call you to repentance, but you upset me. I exhort you to do good, but you don’t want to pay heed to me. I reproach you, I rebuke and blame you, but you remain hard-hearted. I call you, but you don’t answer. I cry, but you ignore…
Oh, woe is me, woe to you, my soul, and woe to both of us. Unless we help each other, unless we unite, unless we cry together and repent as long as there is still a little time, how then will Christ have mercy on us?
You and I are two wayfarers in this huge world. And unless we unite under Christ’s hand, we live in vain. Then we withdrew from the world in vain, we made vows in vain, we boasted in vain, and we live in vain, because we are in the world without any meaning.
You’re alone and I’m alone. You’re cold and I’m dead. You have no fear, I have no sobriety. You have no zeal, I have no sagacity... Oh, woe to both of us. You wander to the west, I wander to the east. You pull to the left, I pull to the right. You move towards the darkness, I move towards the light. You tramp around the world like an orphan for nothing, and I’m still looking for you. And so we look for each other and can’t find each other. We go towards each other, but we don’t reach each other. Oh, woe to you, poor wandering soul, for you trample on my word and do not want to repent…
That’s what you’ve always been: indifferent to salvation. How many times have I wanted to change your life, but you didn’t want it! How many times have I wanted you to start a new life, but you didn’t want to! How many times have I wept for you with unspeakable groanings; how many times I cried, thinking only of you! How many times I gave you advice as to a homeless child! How many times I prayed for you! How many times I denounced you in the hope that I could somehow awaken you, but there was no one to awaken!
Sometimes I praised you, pleased you, or scolded you, scared you and left you so as to help you, but it was useless. I took you through the mountains with green forests and cold springs, hoping that you would soar up to Heaven with your mind, but you kept groveling on the ground. I took you on tranquil forest paths, hoping that you would come to understand that everything is vanity, but you didn’t understand anything.
I took you from the world, out of the cities, separated you from your brothers, friends and relatives, hoping that, living alone, you would start seeking only Jesus. I brought you to the monastic life, hoping that you would repent there, but you were lazy. I entrusted you to the care of people who were filled with virtues, told you about their pure lives, hoping that you would warm up a little, but you remained stony-hearted.
And then, mourning over your insensitivity, I reproached you and began to read to you words full of life from ancient books, but you did not understand them. I brought you to those who were suffering terribly on their deathbeds, but you only took a quick glance and immediately darted out. I brought you to the bedsides of those who had just died, told you about their lives and showed you their faces, with their sunken cheeks, withered lips, faded eyes, parted mouths and blue tongues, and you became a little horrified and thoughtful… I took you to some graves with scattered bones, and you were horrified again and thoughtful again, but in an instant forgot everything…
I told you about death and the Last Judgment, but you didn’t answer anything. Then I hit you with the terror of hell, stung you with awful torments, burned you with unquenchable fire, but you did not feel it. I threatened you with the worm that will not die, but you didn’t wake up. I “whipped” you with hellfire, but my efforts were fruitless and we came out of hell with nothing…
Then I brought you to Paradise, hoping that there you would get at least some benefit. I led you through the bosom of Abraham to the whole host of holy monastics, and brazenly you wanted to stay there. You and I listened to the voices of those singing Divine songs, and you wanted to sing with them. I showed you cold and crystal springs, with beautiful golden trees, with magnificent silver palaces and imperishable joys, and you wanted not to return from there to earth. I told you about the fire of God’s love, which burns incessantly in the hearts of those who struggle, but you did not want to accept it into your withered heart. I told you about Heavenly glory, but you didn’t want to have zeal for it with your heart. I told you that it was everlasting, and you roused yourself slightly, surprised by the glory of Paradise and its vastness…
And then I dragged you out of Paradise and brought you back into this fleeting life.
