The basic laws of the Old Testament were the Ten Commandments received by the Prophet Moses on Mount Sinai. All state and religious laws of ancient Judea originate from these commandments. They are also one of the major spiritual guidelines for modern Christians all over the world. Interestingly, the first commandments speak about the relationships between God and man, while the last ones speak about the relationship between people; and one commandment, the fifth, is dedicated to parents: Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee (Exodus 20:12). This is the only commandment that does not simply carry a prohibition or admonition, but makes a direct promise: He who honors his parents will live a long and prosperous life. Let’s talk about the role of the father in the life of the family—what a father should and should not be like.
The family is the foundation of society, and the role of the father in it cannot be overestimated. He isn’t simply a man who is the biological parent of a child. He is the one responsible for the wellbeing and upbringing of his children. When it comes to raising children, the role of the mother is remembered first. However, we should not forget that the child also has a father, and his contribution to family life is no less important. The father’s role in the family is multifaceted, as it incorporates different aspects of life.
In the past, when most people were peasants, sons always helped their father with work in the field tending the cattle, making hay, collecting firewood, and so on. Back at home, the mother and her daughters and younger children took care of the household. This was the most effective kind of upbringing—by personal example. These days, in order to provide for the family, we don’t need to be at the plow. Modern-day fathers, who devote themselves to work in the office and on the factory floor in order to provide their children with good living standards, often shift all other responsibilities they had before, including children’s education, to their wives—and this is truly sad.
It is the responsibility of both (!) parents to raise their children. Unfortunately, not all people are able to understand and accept this rule. In many families, the father is akin to an alien. He comes home, gets grouchy and angry when someone bothers him while he’s resting, and his only role in the upbringing of children is punishing them if they have done wrong. He’s a kind of domestic tyrant who inspires nothing but fear in everyone; a bogyman the kids scares each other with: “Stop it, or dad will find out.” Thus, the children become disappointed quite early when they try to show their love to their father, but instead have to deal with his coldness and irritation.
The responsibility to raise children falls on both (!) parents
Of course, we can try to understand men who work all day long to provide for the family, and his family simply doesn’t see him at home. However, as a priest, I often hear regrets from older men that they had practically no contact with their children, and forever remained strangers to them, not to mention the fact that their hard work ruined their health. As a result, men arrive at old age in poor health and face loneliness, because their children did not experience the father’s love and they can’t show love towards their parent. As for the excuse of grown-up children who grew up in such a family, it is very similar to that of their fathers: I provide for my family and I owe nothing to anyone else. Sooner or later, having experienced pain from the father’s impassiveness as children, they will accept such behavior as the norm themselves.
Of course, the father is responsible for his family’s material wellbeing. He must see to it that his children have everything necessary to live a fulfilling life. As the apostle says in the letter to Timothy, But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith (1 Timothy 5:8). The father must be certain about tomorrow in order to provide stability and security for his children.
But we also shouldn’t forget the other admonitions of the Holy Scripture. A father’s role in the family isn’t strictly limited to the role of a provider. He must also pay attention to the emotional wellbeing of his children, and show his support and encouragement. He should be attentive and caring, hear his children, understand their needs and help them solve the problems they are facing. Above all, the father is an example for his children. He demonstrates how they should live to be decent people. The Bible says, Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6). A father must show his children how to live according to God’s commandments, how to be honest and hardworking, how to respect his elders, and to help those in need.
The “head of the family” isn’t simply a fine phrase. A family in Orthodoxy is often called a small church. Also, in the Sacrament of Matrimony, the husband and future father becomes the rector of this small church. His duty is to take care of the household, in all aspects. As a rector, I often have to look deep into the problems of my parishioners, to admonish them, comfort them, to reconcile those who are quarrelling, to talk with them. If the rector were to treat his church simply as work, in other words, as a “came-served-left” thing, the church would stand empty. After all, everyone needs attention, care and love. This is why many people attend “their” church, and that’s why they call it “their” church.
Sure, of course, and above all, when we attend church—we come to God. But secondly, we go there to see our brothers and sisters in Christ. As a parish family, people help each other in joy and in trouble: as a congregation, they pray for the sick, collect clothing, food, money for those who happen to be in a difficult situation. The rector should be the center of this brotherly love, and the spiritual children will flock to him with their problems and worries expecting support, admonition and prayer. The father should also be such a rector of a small family church. That, and then some.
Even if in today’s world it is the mothers who more often turn to the Faith, ideally, it is the fathers who should call the family to prayer, to remind them about fasting, to read the Holy Scripture with them, and talk about God. This is what the Bible instructs us: And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. And thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hand, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes. And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates (cf. Deuteronomy 6:6-9).
The father must actively participate in his children’s lives
The father, on a par with the mother—or even more so—should be involved in the upbringing of children. We are not talking simply about punishments. But, of course, they can also be applied, if used reasonably. Punishment should not be about working off your anger in case of disobedience, but about the disciplining of your child. In the Second Book of Kings, God Himself tells us what punishment is: I will be a father to him, and he shall be a son to Me. If he does wrong, I will punish him in the usual ways, with the snares and obstacles of this mortal life. But I will never deprive him of My merciful love (2 Samuel 7:14–15). Remember that we shouldn’t use punishment in irritation and anger. Otherwise, we will only develop fear and resentment in our child. As the Apostle Paul instructed, And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6: 4).
The head of the family should spend time with his children playing and talking to them, helping them in their studies. The father should be an active participant in the life of his children, so that they might feel his support and care. They look up to him and learn everything from him. Children see how a father treats his wife, how he earns a living, and how he solves problems. They acquire his behavior and habits. If the father is prone to bad habits, it is pointless to try to shield the children from them. They see this example and will eventually start copying their parent’s behavior.
The sons of the father/domestic tyrant who beats his wife and children will later bring the same behavior pattern into their own family life, while the daughters in most cases will simply be unwilling to get married, because they dread the horror they experienced in childhood. It is very difficult to change in a person the norms he has witnessed in childhood. Therefore, the children’s future life directly depends on the behavior of the head of the family. The father should be a worthy role model, a spiritual leader and mentor, and not a tyrant.
He must educate his children about faith in God, instill in them moral values and virtues. A father must be an example of virtue and righteousness for his children. He should teach them to love God and neighbor, to be honest, fair-minded and merciful: The just man walketh in his integrity: his children are blessed after him (cf. Prov. 20:7).
In conclusion, I’d like to add that fatherhood is a great honor, but also a great responsibility. If we were tasked to describe a good father in a few words, it would sound like this: kind but strict, loving and caring, wise and fair, strong in words and deeds. If the father responsibly does his part in the lives of his loved ones and his children are proud of him, his family will be strong and happy. Likewise, the children will grow up to be decent people who will be of benefit to society, and to their parents in their old age.
