—Do men and women experience midlife crisis in the same way or in different ways?
—By the middle of life, both male and female sex hormones begin to be produced less. In women, there is a decline, preparations for menopause begin, and menopause itself begins. The hormone responsible for the female essence—estrogen—begins to be produced less, and the reproductive function gradually fades. As a result of this restructuring, mood swings and changes in appearance occur such as fading skin, wrinkles, or weight gain. In men, the production of testosterone, the male hormone responsible for strength, energy, endurance, and attraction, is also declining. Muscle mass decreases, metabolism slows down, and the abdomen begins to grow.
Some people try to prolong their youth; they turn to endocrinologists for supportive hormone therapy. And some, guided by popular medical articles from the internet, “prescribe” hormones for themselves. What is the risk of all this? You can draw a parallel: A person who constantly has plastic surgery, at some point can no longer imagine himself without it. Or, if a person takes antidepressants, soon enough he will not be able to cheer up without his daily pills, and without nighttime pills he will not be able to fall asleep. It’s an addiction. So they get used to hormones, and the body will gradually begin to require an increased dosage of pills.
Yes, hormone therapy gives you a boost of energy, well-being, high spirits, and the person looks younger than his peers thanks to drugs. But every age is given by God and created with positive and wonderful sides that are inherent in a particular period of life. And a person who wants to be stuck in the age of twenty-five runs the risk of not seeing the advantages and worth that are given at other stages of life. Instead, moderate exercise and daily gymnastics can be recommended. After all, the body does not get younger, and in order to keep it in good shape, to normalize the metabolism, constant efforts are already required.
A person who wants to be stuck at the age of twenty-five runs the risk of not seeing the advantages and worth that are given at other stages of life
An important recipe when a crisis strikes is to not attempt to stop at a certain age, but to move forward, find yourself, discover something new. And this applies to any crisis, to any difficulties. For example, a child is born. For some this is a terrible shock, especially for men. But for some, it is joy and happiness, and young parents begin to actively engage in an unfamiliar stage of life together, walk, play with the baby, come up with new activities. A crisis is not terrible when a person does not stand still, is not in stagnation, but knows how to rebuild and find new ways of looking at things.
We must also understand that this period won’t go on forever. Let’s recall the popular expression: “At forty–five, the woman is a berry again.” A woman undergoes menopause, along with it comes despondency and sadness. But gradually her mood rises, and the desire to love and be loved reappears. A man can also become in demand at work and in his family again. The time from thirty to forty-five years of age is a period that you cannot just get through by crying into your pillow or becoming angry at the whole world. Rather, you can find something good and joyful in it.
—Are there any spiritual remedies to alleviate the midlife crisis?
—Those experiencing this crisis fall, as a rule, into two extremes. Either they nostalgically romanticize everything that happened before, or they are gnawed by qualms of conscience and despondency from the fact that they seem to have lived the first part of their lives incorrectly and aimlessly. It happens that these two feelings combine: nostalgia for the past, and regret from the mistakes of youth.
Yes, you can make a lot of mistakes and sins when you’re young. And it is quite natural that after a stormy youth we are tormented by conscience for these mistakes. But we have a great medicine—the Holy Mysteries of Confession and Communion. Many times I have observed how middle-aged people, who are fully integrated into Church life, want to resort to general Confession; that is, to bring detailed repentance for their entire lives, although they had previously confessed regularly. And that’s not bad. Understanding, rethinking, and the depth of remorse do not come immediately, sometimes over the years. And it is very useful for some, of course, by choosing a day when there are few penitents and agreeing in advance with the priest, once again carefully confessing the sins of a lifetime. And, of course, the sacrament of Communion gives us healing of the soul and body. Wounds from the sins of youth are also treated with ascetic exercises described in the works of the holy fathers on combating passions and sins. It is often in middle age that we come to a correct understanding of our spiritual problems and of life in general.
—Father, may I ask you a personal question? You are just only years old. Share with your readers how you are coping with the midlife crisis, what difficulties you have at this age (or do you not have them)? Maybe you can tell others something? What helped you if you had sad moments?
—I was very lucky; the Lord gave me a new career at the age of forty—I became the rector of a church under construction. The fact is that, while in a midlife crisis, it is dangerous to stand still. We need to develop, to look for some new facets of our activity and our existence.
But I didn’t have to look for anything. My Church hierarchs instructed me to build a temporary church, create a parish, and design a permanent church. And I started a very hectic life. It was necessary to gather people, build a church and a house of worship in an open field, organize all parish life and infrastructure, church schools and all parish services. I was the only priest of our parish for four years. It’s difficult, but serving alone also has many advantages. You stand at the altar, and nothing distracts you. It’s just you and an altar server in the altar (and sometimes even he’s not there). You pray and serve in a completely different way. Especially on weekdays, the service is a great joy. However, later, I admit, I started to burn out from heavy loads. Still, it’s not easy to maintain patience, calmness, and peace of mind when you confess about 5,000 people alone in a year. Fatigue begins to accumulate, indifference, irritation, and despondency appear. But I noticed that midlife crisis is going by like a certain period of time. It peaked around at around forty-three to forty years. Now it’s letting go a little bit, it’s much easier. Besides, life doesn’t let you get bored. I used to write a lot of books and articles. Now I write much less, but something else has appeared.
When we are young, we accumulate knowledge and experience, and afterwards we have to use it all in various practical areas.
I am quite often invited to the Spas TV channel, near Moscow, and to the radio. It’s also very interesting and does not let you get bored. In general, when we are young, we accumulate our capital—knowledge and experience—and then we have to use all this in various practical areas. And this will not make us sad and sorrowful. In terms of middle age hobbies, I also did fine. At the age of forty, I got a category “A” license (motor transport), although I have been riding a motorcycle since childhood. And my wife and I started traveling by bike. I also became interested in repairing old rare cars and traveling on them. In Russia, old cars are not particularly appreciated, and therefore this hobby is available even to a person with a very small income.
But to summarize. What did I personally understand? In middle age, everything becomes difficult. Despondency, laziness, and indifference set in more strongly than in youth. Endurance and physical strength are also not the same anymore. Our notorious personality crisis is also superimposed on all this. We are reaching a certain Rubicon in this period. And there are two paths: to either hide in a corner, start complaining about life and slowly self–destruct with the help of alcohol and a computer, or to take decisive action to overcome the crisis. See and take advantage of new opportunities, reboot your system. It is known that spiritual work has two wings: prayer and work; and they will overcome anything. The best remedy for depression is movement, you need to force yourself to move, not to sit still. And, of course, to ask God for strength. The Lord gives it to those who want it, who are not lazy.
—How can a middle-aged crisis affect ones family? People lived, loved each other, and suddenly they’re on the verge of divorce. The husband has taken a young mistress on the side, or the wife feels a cooling of feelings for her husband, or both have become strangers to each other. What should I do, because this can also affect believers? How to strengthen a family in a crisis?
—For a family, midlife crisis for one of the spouses (and maybe both) is a dangerous time. Many families collapse during this period.
Recently, a woman asked me this question: “I stopped feeling conjugal love for my husband, we live like good neighbors. I don’t feel like a wife. My husband is either on the phone, on the computer, or on TV, he hardly pays attention to me. What should I do?” Well, this situation is very typical.
It seems to me that the key point here is: “I stopped having feelings for my husband.” The question is very well posed: It wasn’t him who changed abruptly, but “I stopped.” It’s a great temptation to blame others for your troubles. If I change my husband (wife), everything will be fine right away. No, you can’t run away from yourself. The crisis of middle age is, first of all, our personal crisis. It is given to us in order to understand that many of our problems are caused by dissatisfaction with ourselves. And to get out of the crisis, we must look for the causes of problems in ourselves, not in our loved ones. In this situation, the cooling of relations should serve as an impetus for us to take action. Sitting and waiting for something or approaching her husband with countless complaints—like saying, “How much you can hang out on social networks, pay more attention to me”—this path is completely wrong. You can only make the situation worse and alienate your husband more. You cannot bring a spouse closer, or revive feelings through pressure and lectures. But by respecting the interests of your spouse, studying his hobbies, and working on it all the time, you will be able to find common ground with him. Recently, Elena Skorokhodova, a public figure, playwright, and director, gave me her book. I really liked one poem from it, precisely on this topic, it’s called, “The Wise Man’s Advice.” And although this advice was given to the husband, it will suit the wife as well. A man came to the elder’s cell and said that he had stopped loving his wife and no longer had feelings for her. The wise man replied to him:
“I know, my friend, what you have to do:
Love your wife in spite of everything,
Don’t say it’s not possible.
Love her with all your feelings against it,
In spite of your evil desires
Fold and glue the broken pieces,
Rebuild the ruined building.
From what’s ended, create it anew,
Like after catastrophes, natural disasters.
Serve your spouse, empathize,
Love is not a feeling, but a chain of actions.
Don’t say “I’m not feeling love,” but love.
It doesn’t stick, you don’t want to, but you need to.
She’s from your rib, understand,
Because the wife is behind the husband*.
Don’t look around at others,
There are a lot of them in the world, too many.
They easily betray their wives,
But you go... Go your own way.
And don’t get into this vicious circle,
The abyss will drag you into perdition.
Make yourself love your wife, my friend,
Your efforts are not in vain…”
The man followed the elder’s advice and regained family happiness, managed to fall in love with his wife anew. And later he was even afraid to imagine what would have happened if he hadn’t received the advice: “Love in spite of everything.”
Love is not an emotion, but a chain of actions, it is an effort, a direction of the will
Yes, love is not an emotion, but a chain of actions, it is an effort, a direction of will. You can resurrect lost feelings by returning to a time when the couple was happy. When people come to me and complain that they’re not happy together, I always ask, “Has it really been so unbearable all these years?” They think about it, and it turns out that they don’t always. People recall common themes, holidays, difficulties, and travel. It is important to talk about those happy times, to remember them, and also to make a decision—to love in spite of everything.
They say you can’t tell you heart what to feel. In fact, the heart can be told what to feel. A person can fall in love with someone they’ve already had feelings for. I have seen such examples. It is important to understand that our love for a person grows in direct proportion to the goodness that we put into him. If we lament that we are not loved, then we should ask ourselves: “Do we ourselves love very much, do we do a lot for a loved one?”
Another piece of advice on overcoming coldness and frustrations comes from my own experience. Use the example of communication with your children.
Sometimes children are so frustrating that it seems that loving them is simply impossible. All that remains is irritation and resentment for them. I’m sure many parents are familiar with these periods. Think: How come you do so many things for them, and you don’t get any thanks in return? At such moments, you need to do something good—at least just go up and hug the child—and you will immediately feel love begin to flow into your heart. If the children are far away, send a kind text message to them. This approach is suitable not only in relationships with children, but also with a wife or husband.
The mind tells you this is wrong, not fair, but you still do something good, for yourself! So that there is no hostility towards this person. Returning to the issue of cooling feelings for your spouse, I would like to emphasize: Do not wait for your husband to take his mind off the phone or TV show—take the first step yourself. Look for new facets in family life, try to understand and cheer up your husband. Maybe it’s not easy for him either.
Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh, interpreting the gospel text about the miracle of turning water into wine at the wedding in Cana of Galilee, says that when the joy of family life comes to an end, then the Lord is able to create a miracle again, turning the water of our gray life into fine wine.
