The divorce statistics in Russia are disheartening: eight out of ten marriages end in divorce, and by this measure, our country ranks third in the world in this sorrowful rating.1 Marriages fall apart even after decades together. Couples who have just recently formed families are divorcing, as are those with many children and those with none—atheists and churchgoers alike, even those who regularly receive the sacraments.
What is the cause of such a distressing situation? What is the role of the Church as a whole and of the parish priest, to whom spouses often turn for guidance? Reflecting on this is Fr. Georgy Firsov, a cleric of the Church of the Dormition of the Most Holy Theotokos in Veshnyaki, who specifically ministers to families in his parish.
The Church as the guardian of the family
Fr. Georgy Firsov —Fr. Georgy, the modern concept of the family, it seems to me, is far removed from what God intended. More and more often, the man is “nominally” the head of the family, but in reality, all the power lies with the woman. She makes most of the decisions, and most of the problems fall on her shoulders. But surely this is a fundamentally wrong structure?
—Yes, we must admit that we are not at all a patriarchal society. In this respect, the Soviet period inflicted wounds so deep that words cannot describe them.
What is the proper model? The grandfather, as he ages, hands over authority to the father, who then becomes the head of the family. He is the commander, the captain of the ship. But he is not only the captain—he is responsible for the family; he is called to love his family as Christ loved the Church.
Where is this preached today? I won’t even mention television series or films—what happens there is utter horror. Can you name even one Russian director who makes films that preach traditional values? And without vulgarity, without murders? Such films will not earn millions; most likely, they won’t be popular at all.
Why, for example, has a law been passed banning the promotion of childfree ideology, yet a promiscuous lifestyle is still actively promoted? Where, in all this, is the “Year of the Family”, where is the protection of the family? Why is responsibility to one’s family not being discussed? Why is the role of the father not being discussed?
You cannot properly raise a child, especially a boy, without a father. The father is the one to whom God has given the authority to be the preacher within the family. He is to be the leader, the mentor, the man whom the family follows.
All the laws, all judicial practices—everything is designed to make life easier for the woman. When I read the news that they want to extend child support payments until age twenty-two, I realized: we are heading toward a future where a huge percentage of men will not want to marry at all, and will avoid women entirely. Because entering into a relationship with a woman—especially marriage—is a dangerous risk; you could end up paying for half your life.
Men are afraid—because the law is on the side of women.
Why must the children stay with the mother?
Why must children, in the case of divorce, automatically stay with the mother? This question remains open for me, and I have no answer.
The fact is, I know many cases where a woman, having entered into an inappropriate relationship, leaves the father of her children to be with this new man. And yet the court sides with the woman, granting her custody of the children.
Why does this happen? Can we not examine each case individually in court?
I know several fathers who are honorably and successfully raising their children. But the law continues to favor the mother. Men are afraid of marriage. The reality is, that when a man marries, he takes upon himself a great responsibility. And he is indeed obligated to carry it out.
If the state truly desires that the family not degenerate, then it must do everything possible to ensure that each family situation is examined individually. In my view, the procedure for divorce should be made as difficult as possible, so that the very desire to divorce might not even arise.2
—How should the Church respond to the crisis in family life? Does it have the right to intervene?
—As for the Church, I will not presume to speak on behalf of the entire Orthodox world, but I believe that at the point of your personal responsibility, at your own border post, you can and must bring order. If you are a priest, serving in a parish, then you can speak day and night about the sanctity of marriage, and proclaim clearly that divorce is a grievous sin.
After Eve sinned, the Lord did not give Adam another woman—not Katya, Tanya, Sveta, or Natasha. It is written that man and woman become one flesh, and that such unity cannot be destroyed. Why is the sin of divorce considered unnatural? Because it is aimed at the destruction of human nature itself. It is a tragedy.
When you speak with most people about family matters, they understand in their hearts that it is not normal. God’s plan was that a man should have one woman for life, and likewise a woman should have one man, in every sense. The Lord desires good for us—He cannot command us anything that would be harmful to us. Having multiple wives is unnatural. It is harmful. It is wrong. And having multiple husbands is even worse.
The Lord Jesus Christ says that husband and wife are one flesh.
—Are there legitimate reasons for divorce?
—The most common explanation people give for divorce is: “We just weren’t compatible.” But the Lord says that only adultery may be a valid reason for the dissolution of a marriage.
—So then, does it follow that all those who divorce for any other reason, apart from this sin, are themselves committing a sin, breaking the Law of God?
—I have served in the Russian Orthodox Church since 2011, and I have hardly ever seen a truly serious reason for divorce. Every situation must be discussed with a priest.
Thank God, I see that many priests are willing to lay down their very lives to prevent couples from divorcing. We must devote immense attention to people who find themselves in such situations. We must do everything we possibly can—pray, ask the parents to pray, counsel and guide the spouses—just to ensure that it never comes to divorce.
We’ve had such situations in our parish, when a couple wanted to separate. The husband said he wanted to leave his wife and child. Then her spiritual father prays, his spiritual father prays. The wife, for example, comes to me for spiritual talks, for confession, and the husband goes to his own church. And everywhere they hear the same thing: that a second marriage is not possible, that it would be a spiritual catastrophe. And somehow, by God’s grace, the person comes to his senses, is brought back to the right path. Parents are praying, priests are praying.
The task of the priest is to make it clear that no one else can take the place of your husband or your wife.
If you are living according to God’s law, and you believe in the Lord, believe in the Holy Scripture, then you must understand that this law exists. If you are willing to accept that, if you don’t fill your spouse’s place with another person, then perhaps all can be restored.
Yes, perhaps you won’t be like those eighteen-year-olds anymore, skipping hand-in-hand down a shady lane, in love and carefree. Yes, you’ve been through something. Perhaps the husband has already tried to build something elsewhere, and you forgave him, and you received him back, and so on.
This is akin to a monk returning to the monastery. A monk who has left the monastery cannot find happiness in the world. Such people cannot even have church weddings, their marriages are not recognized, and in former times, they were not even buried in the common cemetery. A person who has left the monastery cannot build a truly good and stable family. Unfortunately, I’ve seen such examples.
And the repentance of a monk is this: to return to the monastery.
Not to go out and have as many children as possible, not to build a spaceport, not to earn a billion dollars—that is a false obedience. His obedience was to be in the monastery, and now he’s trying to take on a burden that God never blessed him to carry. He made a vow to God. And he must return—that is his repentance: to return to the monastery.
And it would be good, of course, if in families that are falling apart, the spouses would return to their other halves. But for that to happen, they must not take one more step further away from each other.
When people separate, one takes a step away, the other begins to build a new life, and in this way, they gradually grow further and further apart. But I know of a case where, even though people had children—three children—in their second or third marriage, they returned to their first family.
—I know of some families who married and divorced each other multiple times, but for the most part, people find new spouses...
—I’ll give one real-life example.
A wife was unfaithful to her husband for ten years. The husband tried to forgive her for the sake of the children. He would leave, then return... Then she came back—and literally lost her mind. Her condition deteriorated, she gained weight to 180 kilograms, she became disabled, and she was so pitiable it would move one to tears.
And the husband—realizing that this had not happened in his life without meaning—began to learn what it meant to be responsible for her. The woman, on her part, began a path of spiritual work, repented of her sins.
Eight years later, when they were finally reconciled, when they began to become more religious, to receive Holy Communion, the Lord rewarded them for these efforts. The couple began to treat one another with reverence. He began to care for her, and he carried the situation through to the very end—he bore his cross to the end.
They repented, they reconciled, and then she died. This man came to faith through that whole story.
Beautiful, isn’t it?
In Holy Scripture, there is a strict prohibition of divorce, except in the case of adultery. But again, there are situations where a person repents and returns to the family—and I know such cases personally.
This is a kind of rebirth, it is repentance, and the other party receives back the one who has changed.
Lucas Cranach the Elder, “Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden,” 1530
Fornication—blud in Russian—literally means “wandering.” It didn’t work out here? Then I’ll go try over there. But Jesus Christ says, Whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery (Matt. 5:32).
And when you say this to people, they begin to hear it.
A man who marries a divorced woman becomes an obstacle to her potential return to her first family. A second or third marriage is like a wrecked and repainted car—restored, perhaps, but never running as well as the first. God created things in such a way that there was one Adam and one Eve, and they became one flesh. That is the true path, shown to us by the Lord, so that each might be able to say, at the end of life with a calm heart:
“Apart from this man, apart from this woman, I never needed anyone else.”
When you truly love a person, you need no one else. That—that is beauty.
—But today, that ideal seems to have become the exception...
—Sadly, I often encounter people who trample on canon law, God’s commandments, and try to pursue some sort of human happiness. But as a priest, I must say clearly: Outside of God, happiness is impossible. It is very difficult to walk against the Lord—and more often than not, such efforts collapse.
If a man comes to me and says he wants to divorce his wife, I say to him:
“I cannot bless that. I will, of course, still love you, respect you, and receive you. But I cannot support you. I must always tell you that your repentance, as a man, is to find the reason and return to your family.”
Just fifty years ago, these things weren’t even said out loud—it was simply understood by all that you do not abandon your wife and children. Yes, there were divorces, but not in these numbers. It used to be shameful to divorce. But today? There’s no shame—on the contrary, it’s often celebrated.
If this trend is not stopped, then God forbid, we may soon find ourselves, ten or twenty years from now, having to dissuade people from entering into same-sex cohabitation.
People tell me, “That could never happen in Russia—we have the Law of God, our people are believers.” But the devil secularizes people gradually. First came sexual freedom, then the devil whispered to women that they are “stronger than men”, and everything started turning upside down.
Then the devil destroys the family with the thought: “The first marriage was a mistake—the second will be better.” No. It will not. Not if you’ve gone against the Law of God.
—Is there a practical, working way for people to remain in marriages where much hurt has already been done?
—I don’t speak for the diocese, I don’t speak for the parish, I’m not even the rector. But if you ask me what I would do to minimize the divorce rate—let’s say in just one parish—then I do know the answer, and I’m quietly trying to implement it.
There are spiritual laws concerning marriage, and they work.
No marriage will be strong if a woman constantly throws wrenches into the wheels of her man. Such a woman does not love him—she is humiliating him.
If a man behaves like a woman, that is wrong. That is not how God ordered things. It should be the other way around.
The Lord God gave the man the blessing to be the head of the family, to be its preacher, a little patriarch in his household—to cultivate his Eden, to build peace, to teach, to guide, to be an example. He is the man. He should go before the others.
And this blessing is effective.
The woman is a good, kind, loving helper, who believes in her husband, and he leads her.
Did you choose the wrong person to marry?
—Many families fall apart when people marry at a very young age, when they choose not with their minds but rather by the call of the flesh—mistaking infatuation for love. Then, the hormones calm down, the mind sobers up, and you suddenly see beside you an absolutely alien person.
—Yes, girls often complain that before the wedding, he was a completely different man, that “I didn’t even know him,” that “it was a mistake.” But I’d like to emphasize: It’s not a mistake—it’s what you chose, and it’s what you were unprepared for. That’s an exam you didn’t pass. You weren’t prepared, you didn’t know what marriage really is, your starting assumptions were wrong.
This isn’t something you can just drive past and forget. You can’t just move on. There is God’s law, and it cannot be abolished.
You can’t come to God on your own terms—you must try to listen for what God wants from you.
A woman must demonstrate that Christ is truly present in her life
When a woman comes into the Church of God, she must demonstrate—by her life—that Jesus Christ is Lord, and that she believes in Holy Scripture. And she must show that through obedience to God within her family.
A woman who was improperly formed, who had no respect for her father or brother, who was allowed to yell at her father, to loudly demand things—if she behaved immodestly in her youth—then such a woman ends up choosing a man she can dominate. That is a predictable outcome. And most likely, both in that marriage will be unhappy.
Marriage as a lifelong formation and spiritual work
A human being is formed throughout life. Christianity is a path of constant motion—you are either moving forward or backward. There is no standing still—still water is a swamp.
If a married person comes to the Church, then the path of coming to faith may be through the family. I would especially emphasize the churching of children, and of women and men—through the father’s role.
A father must not be present only financially in the family. The father is the head of the household. He must sharpen sticks, like I do with my son. We go together, with my sons, to hand-to-hand combat training. I don’t just send them—I go with them. I also train, I set the example. I want my sons to grow up to be men. I want them to be properly formed. That’s why I’m constantly telling them: A man is, above all, responsibility.
The myth of “marriage for pleasure”
When a woman marries an irresponsible man, she is making that dangerous choice herself. In today’s world, there are two great myths.
The first: Marriage is for pleasure—for earthly happiness, beauty, enjoyment.
The second, which flows from the first: If you don’t find happiness in marriage, then it was a mistake, and the marriage can be ended.
But this is not a biblical view. To these two myths, the Church answers with two sober truths:
Marriage is given for spiritual growth, and if we abandon that path—through divorce, or by abandoning our spouse—then we are simply failing the test.
Marriage is not the search for earthly happiness—it is labor
Marriage is not the pursuit of personal happiness. Marriage is enormous labor. Joyful labor, but heavy nonetheless. It is like training, after which you’re exhausted, but you see the good fruit of your efforts.
The Apostle Paul said that marriage brings tribulation in the flesh. Yes, there is great joy in having a family, in having children, in seeing them run to greet you after work—that is all wonderful. But it is also a tremendous responsibility.
It is a constant stepping out of your comfort zone. It is unceasing effort, above all, effort on yourself.
—Isn’t it easier to leave what’s tired, unwanted, or failed—and try to create something new, something better? Why preserve something that was flawed from the beginning?
—If a person has decided to divorce, he is spiritually ill.
As one man, abandoned by his wife, said to my friend—a priest, “If one half has gone mad, the other must become twice as good.”
Divorce is a crash. Children suffer. Adults suffer. Then they go on to create more deformed marriages—second, third, tenth marriages. It’s a devastating blow to the children on every level.
“Why doesn’t my dad, whom I love, live with my mom, whom I also love?” “Why is my dad now with some other woman, with a new child—and he forgot about us?”
We must live with our families, and we must pass through all the joys and hardships of life with our families. That is the biblical position.
To go seeking happiness elsewhere, to abandon your family—that is not biblical.
“I will not allow another man to raise my children.” That, in my view, is the true manly position. That’s the kind of answer you get from a boy who was raised right, who grew up to be a man.
You might make it through almost your entire life’s journey, and then fall just before the finish line. Who walks through life more easily—the man who knows no other women except his wife, and she no other man but her husband? Or the one who has been married many times, who has had many sinful relationships?
Yes, such a man can repent, and the Lord will forgive him, if his repentance is genuine. But the burden of such experience makes life harder.
A man becomes a man when he understands what responsibility is. A man becomes a man through living with a woman—through bearing responsibility for her, for the family, for the children.
We must remember that a man in the family is not only a husband, but also a father. And not only a father to the children—but in a way, even a father to his wife. He is an image of the Heavenly Father, who can receive, forgive, guide, and teach.
