It’s said that any extended fast, including Great Lent, is a joy, a springtime for the soul, because it’s an opportunity to work on yourself, to try to change something for the better. It’s a stepping stone for every Christian. And there’s more to it than the change in Church services and our diet. There’s an element that’s delicate, difficult, and somewhat sensitive, but which can’t be brushed aside: marital relations.
Should a husband and wife abstain during the fast, what rules are there on this matter, and what mistakes do people often make in this area? Archpriest Pavel Gumerov, author of books and articles on child-rearing and family relationships, answers these questions. Fr. Pavel serves at the Church of the Sts. Peter and Fevronia of Murom in the Marino District of Moscow.
Archpriest Pavel Gumerov
—What is the Church’s attitude towards martial abstinence during fasting? Are there any specific regulations about it?
—The topic of marital relations during fasting has been worrying the Orthodox internet for the last ten years.1 There have been many articles and forum discussions. The people in these discussions can be roughly divided into two camps. One says that anything that’s not forbidden is allowed. Since there are no clear guidelines, there’s no unity of opinion in Patristic and canonical texts, as with other sins that are given a clear and unambiguous penance, you have to rely on your own conscience in this matter. The spouses themselves should be their own law, guided by the words of the Apostle Paul: Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency (1 Cor. 7:5). They also cite Canon 13 of St. Timothy of Alexandria who writes about fasting before Sundays and after Communion (the people communed every Sunday at that time).
Those from the other point of view bring forth many Patristic texts and canons that prescribe marital abstinence during fasting, meaning the first group is being somewhat disingenuous, whether consciously or unconsciously, due to ignorance of such prescriptions.
—So there’s no single view on this issue?
—In theology, we have the term “consensus Patrum,” or the harmony of the Fathers. For example, there’s some specific theological problem, a question about the life of the Church or about dogma, and the majority of the Holy Fathers speak unequivocally on this matter. And we say we take this answer as the truth, because the majority of Fathers are in agreement—there’s unity of thought. And there’s another concept—theologoumena, which is a private theological opinion that’s not universally binding on all Christians.
There’s no consensus on the issue of marital relations during fasting. People who advocate for such relations during the fasts, thinking there’s no decree or rule against it, can find plenty of support for their position and build arguments based on Patristic quotations. And people who believe that such relations are strictly prohibited during fasting and that they’re a sin can also find confirmation in the Nomocanon, the Rudder, the Great Book of Needs, and other collections of canons.
I don’t want to go into depth on those, but in short, they’re collections of Byzantine, Greek rules, many of which are indeed authoritative and generally accepted, while some are apocryphal and simply cause confusion. But they loved these books in Rus’. You could find a rule for any, even the smallest, sin. Concerning intimate marital relations, you could find both quite liberal and permissive prescriptions as well as excessively strict rules. For example, that spouses should fast not only several days before Communion, but also three days after. Thus, all these extensive collections eventually fell out of use. They were just too contradictory.
There’s no unanimity on the question of marital relations because it’s a very delicate, intimate area, where it’s hard to come up with any clear, strict rules like we have for other sins. For example, a penance of a certain numbers of years is prescribed for fornication; there’s also a penance if you stole something or consulted sorcerers. Basically, it’s clear-cut: Here’s the sin and here’s the penance. But there’s no consensus here among the Holy Fathers. There were even various fasting rules in Rus’. They were formulated gradually, over the centuries. The typikon for our fasting (in terms of food) was adopted in Rus’ in the late-fourteenth–early-fifteenth century. It gradually entered the life of the Church throughout the fifteenth century. We live by it, we serve by it; but before that, in the eleventh and twelfth centuries, we fasted differently. The fasts weren’t as strict.
But I’m interested in this topic not from a theological or theoretical, or historical or polemical point of view, but from a practical one. How should we modern Christians observe marital fasting? How can we apply the Church’s experience in this question to our lives; what are the rules and what are the exceptions? That’s what I’m interested in.
We live in a time when there’s already a common parish practice of marital abstinence during the fasts and Church people are well aware of when to abstain from marital relations—on days when weddings aren’t allowed. Not everything is regulated by strict canons in the life of the Church. There are established traditions, practices that the Church lives by. This is the wisdom of the Church, developed over the centuries.
—What’s the purpose of marital fasting if marital relations are a commandment of God?
—Imagine: It’s Great Lent and you’ve consciously decided to fast. No one can force you to keep the fast, saying, “Come on, let’s fast”—you have free will and free desire. The Lord doesn’t force anyone to do anything: If you don’t want to pray, to live by the commandments, to commune, you don’t have to, but know that these things are of great benefit to you. If you’re a Christian, you should live in a Christian manner, otherwise don’t call yourself a Christian.
What’s the point of fasting? Fasting is a sacrifice to God—we deny ourselves something for the sake of God; we limit ourselves in pleasures. Non-fasting food is, I’m sure we’d all agree, tastier and more filling. Maybe someone like a vegan won’t agree. But still, most of our people prefer not to have meatless salads soaked in lemon juice for festive meals, but meat, fish, and wine.
Non-fasting food, wine in moderation—these are all gifts from God that make life joyful. What other limitations do we place upon ourselves during the fasts? As the Holy Fathers say, we refrain from entertainments, from spectacles—theaters and cinemas, for example.
I don’t get it when people say: “Let’s give up these forms of entertainment, but not marital relations, because that’s not mentioned anywhere. Since nothing’s said about them, we can have them even during Holy Week; it doesn’t matter if it’s the Dormition Fast or Great Lent…” Yes, it’s up to our discretion, but any normal person, especially someone married, who has learned all this, who has a good marriage, will tell you that close relations are a great pleasure. Forgive me for being so frank—physical marital relations give you a huge hormonal surge, a heap of positive emotions, delight, joy! Now imagine, we’ve decided to fast: We go to church, we read the St. Ephraim’s Prayer, we prepare for Communion, we don’t watch entertainment programs, but at the same time, we have marital relations. Personally, I think this isn’t just incompatible, but frankly absurd. Especially when you want to elevate this to a norm.
—But that’s probably not always easy for a modern person to do?
—We’re well aware that the Church, as a loving mother, hasn’t adopted any clear and strict canons on this matter, because there are various situations. Of course, someone who calls himself Orthodox should adhere to fasting and prayer. A certain practice has developed for how to fast in marital relations, that is, the rules for those getting married. And what is a wedding? It’s a Sacrament followed by a feast, and the wedding night. And bodily marital relations are based on these rules. As a parish priest, I explain this to parishioners, and they know well that on the eve of Wednesday and Friday, on the eve of Sunday (this is the rule of Timothy of Alexandria), during all four fasts, during the Nativity season and Bright Week, before the Twelve Great Feasts and major feasts, we have to abstain from marital relations.
But on the other hand, we know there are various situations, and people are at different levels of piety. When we find Patristic quotes, from St. Seraphim of Sarov or St. Ambrose of Optina, for example, about the inadmissibility of marital relations during fasts, we have to understand the following. When the Holy Fathers said this, everyone in Russia was a baptized Orthodox Christian, except for a small percentage of Muslims, Jews, and Kalmyk Buddhists. They kept the fasts, and it was natural for them from childhood. The vast majority of people were Christians, who imbibed Christian traditions with their mother’s milk. There were marriages where one of the spouses wasn’t a believer, but they were very few.
In my pastoral practice as a parish priest, I’m often approached by married couples with varying degrees of Church involvement, and I rely on the canons and common sense. Of course, when talking with parishioners, it helps that I myself have been married for twenty-three years.
We have to find some middle path between the two extremes (that anything not forbidden is allowed, and that nothing is allowed except on clearly defined days).
—Many people today are aware of the benefits of fasting from food, but can we say the same about marital fasting?
—I’ll answer in the words of St. Basil the Great, who points out the benefits of marital abstinence:
Fasting knows measure even in marital matters, restraining from excess in what is permitted by law; by mutual consent it sets aside time to give yourselves to fasting and prayer (1 Cor. 7:5)... A husband doesn’t suspect infidelity in marital faithfulness when he sees that his wife has grown accustomed to fasting. A wife isn’t consumed by jealousy when she notices that her husband has come to love fasting.
The saint speaks of restraint from excess, of how those who fast train their will. A man who is weak-willed, who can’t exercise self-control, might betray his wife later on. But if he can fast, it means he has a strong will. If he can practice abstinence with his wife, then he is even less likely to have relations with another woman.
Intemperance isn’t good for anyone. St. John Chrysostom writes: “Marriage is given for procreation, and even more so for extinguishing the natural flame…” He also calls marital relations “a remedy that eradicates fornication.”
But excessive carnality leads to nothing good—a man who becomes satiated with his wife will soon start looking elsewhere. As a family man, I can say that I see great benefit from abstaining during the fasts. You get a lot out of it. Any fast shows the difference, the contrast between abstinence and the gifts of God, including food, drink, and marital relations. They serve not only for procreation, but also for the expression of marital physical love and unity, including bodily unity. Indeed, marital intimacy is a gift from God. But you’ll never feel the gifts of God if you’re not deprived of them for a while. We’re well aware that man is weak. Imagine if you shower a child with endless gifts at the slightest request and even without being asked—soon he won’t just stop appreciating them, but even paying attention to them. Everything will be buried in toys; you’ll be walking around with cell phones, various gadgets, and who knows what else crunching underfoot.
But if you do it at the right time, gifting necessary things, then your child will remember it for a long time and be grateful and rejoice.
We adults are also children of the Heavenly Father. We learn everything by comparison. If we don’t have any sorrows at all, we don’t feel happiness; if we don’t fast, we don’t feel the joy of breaking the fast. If there’s always good weather, we won’t know the joy of a torrential rain and strong wind subsiding. Fasting properly—when both spouses are prepared and keep the fast—can be very beneficial. We don’t have to invent anything or go see a sex therapist, take various courses or workshops—which ultimately lead to intemperance and perversion in marital life.
St. Basil the Great writes about another good educational aspect of fasting. A man who knows how to fast, how to abstain, will be firm in his faith. If there’s no fasting, there will be some illness, separation, a long business trip, pregnancy, sickness. Even just menstruation. And for an intemperate person who can’t even endure a single fast, it will be very difficult. You have to have moderation so there’s no dependence, no romantic dependence. Just as you can get addicted to alcohol, computer games, and other pleasures, you can get addicted to sexual relations with your own spouse and make a cult out of intimate relations. But an un-addicted man is free. He can do something if he wants and not do it if he doesn’t want to. As the Apostle Paul said: I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ Which strengtheneth me (Phil. 4:12–13). A true Christian can live abstemiously, or he can, when allowed, live a full married life. And he doesn’t make a temporary break in marital relations out to be a tragedy.
To be continued…
